In Which Our Protagonists Become Involved in an Indian Wedding
Everything I know about Indian weddings, I learnt from Bollywood. Bollywod has instilled vague expectations of wildly energetic, highly choreographed dance numbers, decorated elephants, and tense, emotional scenes involving past love interests, and until yesterday, my main concerns were that I’m not up to date with my Bolly-style dance moves, and that one of my kids might break the emotional tension by getting themselves trampled under the feet of an elephant.
Then A got asked to play celebrant for the happy couple.
Yes! Yes, I know. Yes. That’s what I said. But let me explain.
I say “play”, because he’s not actually a celebrant at all, nor is he a religious minister, the Justice of any kind of Peace, or in any other way qualified to legally marry two people together. But that’s okay, because his intended role has nothing to do with the legalities of marriage – the legal marriage will take place quietly, in a registry office, before the Big Event. The Big Event is- well I won’t say “just for show”, because it’s not actually Bollywood, is it? The Big Event is for Everything Else. It’s the ritual, the presentation to the world of this legal contract, this momentous change in life; the start of all the emotional, practical and physical entanglements which will ensue, and the binding of two families – two families, from utterly different religious backgrounds – together for all time.
Apparently, it’s been a minefield. In fact, for all I know, it may still be, and the bride and groom have decided that A should be the one to stride in to the middle of that minefield in some neutral and above all foreign capacity, so that if anything metaphorically explodes it can be the fault of Western civilisation, and not either of their two wonderful religions or, indeed, anything remotely Indian.
To this proposition, A said sure! and they promptly shared their google docs wedding spreadsheet with him, so I guess it’s official, and I even suppose it’s alright; that they know what they’re doing, and that they’ve diplomatically sanded off all the sticking points and built the perfect, modern, secular Indian wedding that even Grandma will enjoy.
But if there’s one thing I’ve learnt as an expat, it’s that once you get involved in a foreign culture the little things can bring you unstuck. It’s never the big things; never the obvious ones. Everybody knows that people in Japan take their shoes off at the door but Australians don’t, so failing on that front is just forgiveably ignorant. They will see your shoes and correct you, and everyone will look embarrassed and apologise and waffle on about the quirky little ways in which things differ from place to place and move on.
But outside your home culture, not everyone realises that your understatement was supposed to be taken seriously, or not seriously; that your laughter was supposed to be warm, or embarrassed; that your reticence was supposed to be polite, or cutting; that your sarcasm was supposed to be friendly, or pointed; that your touch was supposed to be disarming, or controlling. Half the time, they’re processing these signals so unconsciously that no-one’s even sure what’s gone wrong.
“You’ve been to Indian weddings before, though, haven’t you?” the bride asked.
“…” A replied, then he added, “I’ve seen a couple in movies…” Imagine my frantic googling.
Here’s what I’ve learned so far:
- Indian Weddings are pretty. Check it out. But please come back. (Don’t worry – I won’t expect you any time soon.)
- They are ceremonially complicated. There is even such a thing as an engagement ceremony, whereas we just about managed to have a few drinks with friends. Luckily, A is involved in only one part, and presumably won’t be called upon again for any sectioning of guests under any mental health acts.
- I got some insight from Garima nag into appropriate reception behaviour. I may have to work on my bling, but I can run late with the best of them – although I’m not sure how well that goes down for those officiating.
- Everyone is invited! I’ve been having a cup of tea over with Mrs B who celebrated with over six hundred guests. And the guest list can keep growing right up until the last minute in some cases – especially where you’re willing to add random strangers. Yay for that! Well, at least if anything goes wrong we will have a lot of commotion to escape into. (Although I am reliably informed that this will be “small by Indian standards” which probably means only four times as many guests as we had when we got married.)
- Ashumi didn’t give me a lot of confidence with the words “stressful” and “painful” but I’m grateful for the pep talk about wedding game-faces.
- I’m not even sure where to begin on specific rituals. There seem to be as many of them as there are brides and grooms. I do like a bit of the old pretend-cold-feet, though. And if all else fails, protect the shoes.
- But for a really good up-close-and-personal series on weddings in India, trot over to the October monthly mag at The Bangalore Snob.
Clearly, we need your help! Not so much in terms of wedding customs (with so much variety, it seems unfair to ask you to do better than the couple’s spreadsheet, although go for it if you can tell me the universal essentials), but in guiding our sense of tone, mood, appropriateness, and ceremony, or at least our Bollywood movie viewings and web trawling. Is it usual to be solemn? theatrical? playful? relaxed? Has anyone produced the quintessential Indian marriage ceremony movie (and if so, what is it)? What is the most reliable Indian wedding resource on the internet? How can I stop both my children from getting trampled by elephants single-handedly?
Basically, I want to hear everything you know, and don’t be shy! Apart from anything else, they tell me shy is not the thing when it comes to Indian weddings.
We once went to an Indian wedding and left our then-infant daughter at home. When asked why we said we were afraid she would disrupt the ceremony. We were not aware that the other guests would come and go at will, help themselves to food during the ceremony, and that our daughter could not have been heard under any circumstances. Best wedding ever.
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I know! They held this one adjacent to a playground – our kids kept ducking off to use the swings (in all their finery, of course). Would never happen in an Australian wedding!
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Wow! I’d love to attend an Indian wedding, though I’m not sure I’d have the stamina. (So Western of me.) Like you, my knowledge of Indian weddings comes from Bollywood movies. If only I could get an invitation to one. It sounds incredible!
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It does look exciting, if tiring. I can’t help you out with any invitations, but you never know who will come in to your circle of friends!
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I hope I didn’t scare you off too much! Haha, beside the pain, stress and game facing, they are a lot of fun! Have an amazing time! Advice? food is usually buffet, so when they announce that the food is ready and start to queue up immediately to avoid any wedding food disappointment!
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Ok, noted! That’s definitely good to know ahead of time!
Don’t worry, you didn’t scare me *too* much. Well, you didn’t scare me *off* anyway, so I guess that’s the main thing! I’m glad you came back to add that they are a lot of fun. 🙂
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How A has booked a week of vacation, I hear that’s how long the weddings go on for 🙂
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Yep, a whole week… although this one’s positively restrained as it’s all happening over only two days. (To draw the comparison again: ours took half a day.)
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Ours took half a day but it kicked off at 5:30 pm…..
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As you may have gathered from my blog so far- the Indian wedding isn’t about the bride and grrom (much to my chagrin), it’s about 2 families and communities coming together. It’s stressful, crazy and busy. You will be exhausted afterwards. But you will have such a feeling of ‘togetherness’ after the event- I have never felt it in the same way at a Western wedding. You won’t feel like a guest, you will feel so involved- like part of the family. It’s a nice feeling. my biggest advice is- keep calm, let it all wash over you!
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Ok, I am going to take that advice and try to go with it. Wash over me. I like how that sounds.
I also like the sound of feeling part of the family. It’s definitely an art to make people feel that way, very impressive.
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How exciting, I’ve always wanted to go to an Indian wedding but somehow I have met all my lovely Indian friends after the event! I have no advice, sorry- except have fun!!
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Thanks, I will! Yes, the weddings are fewer and further between these days. I guess it’ll be lean times until the next generation starts.
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I’ve been a bride in one and attended a few, so I guess I’m qualified to give advice. But warning, all the weddings I’ve been to have been in the South Indian Hindu tradition.
The one that surprised me the most was how much talking there was among the guests. Few actually paid attention to the ceremony. This is not a solomon church experience at all. Expect lots of children running around, lots of side conversations, and few actually watching.
Dress to the nines. There is no concept of not outshowing the bride. This is a fashion contest and everyone is out to outdo each other with the nicest sari and gold up to thier eye balls. So get ready to walk the red carpet.
Lots of people will try to get close to the elephant. Keep your kids on your shoulders far away so you a)don’t lose them in the crowd and b) they don’t get trampled. But these elephants are pretty tame and used to this. Don’t worry too much.
And lastly enjoy! Its a grand experience and one you will love. Make sure to post lots of pictures!
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I was hoping you’d reply as I definitely think you’re qualified to give advice! The bride’s family is from that tradition, so perhaps a little will filter through even after their diplomatic compromises.
It’s good to hear about the talking through the ceremony – takes the pressure off a bit to know that people have their own things to do while it’s all going on! That’s not how it comes across in the movies at all, of course – the cameras are obviously all focussed intently – so it would come as a surprise to us, too.
And I love that you actually were able to give advice on elephants!
I’ll try to snap happily. And dress snappily 🙂
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http://sweetsharing.wordpress.com/2013/08/05/what-not-to-do-in-an-indian-wedding/
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Up on the list!
Thanks for the tips. 🙂
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Scary from a planning point of view but from an outsider looking in, full of colour and fun and gorgeous outfits – definitely memorable!
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Yes, it looks like an awful lot to plan. But apparently some people enjoy the planning, so I guess that works out for them. Memorable – yes! I’m sure.
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I haven’t been to an Indian wedding yet! Lucky you! It sure sounds interesting. And have you been to a Chinese wedding? We have many guests as well. My wedding had more than 500 guests. Maybe it’s an Asian thingy. Western weddings are much cosier compare to the big bang in ours.
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Chinese weddings are normally just one event though, unless you can’t fit everybody in the function room in which case it can be several right but different guests each time?
Where as I believe that Indian weddings last for a week (but as with everything when we say Indian we are over simplifying as it’s such a big place with such diverse cultures)
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We have been to a couple of Chinese weddings in China (oh, wait, let me link to our first:
http://bronwyndots.livejournal.com/2004/10/17/ )
(Uh, I just read that again and it’s less about attending a Chinese wedding and more about shopping for contraception in a foreign language… so… click through at your peril…)
From our experience, the Chinese weddings consisted of three events – the photo day (whole day, big deal), the ceremony, and the reception (and we attended only the reception).
I don’t know how similar Singaporean-Chinese weddings are to those in Shandong, though. Bound to be some differences. I haven’t been to a Singaporean-Chinese one, although I did go to a Singaporean-Malay-Finnish wedding and it was pretty big, mostly on the Singaporean-Malay side, so yes, I’d say it’s a case of Westerners being antisocial.
As an aside, isn’t it true ExpatDadSG that English weddings have a pub leg as well? The ones we attended had the service, the photos, the “sit-down” and the drinks at the pub, all with slightly different guest lists. Whereas Australian weddings are service plus reception (all same guest list), and a lot of the time the photographer just has to darn well keep up. We are a simple folk. Simple and antisocial.
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The Singapore-Chinese wedding we went to was the same as you describe in China.
English weddings are service, photos, reception and then Party with Bride and Groom allowed to skip the party if they want and find a hotel room….
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That’s really interesting and Indian weddings are quite a big fanfare. I believe it applies to all Indians who choose to stick to traditions.
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I am having my big Indian wedding next year (we have just had a small personal ceremony so far)…my mother-in-law has told me that 2000 people are coming (omgosh!)
I think the first Indian wedding I will attend is my own haha (I am hoping the bollywood movies are accurate haha)
Lovely post x
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Sorry, now over 2000? That’s…
No, I’m not sure i can even picture that. You are certainly brave having your first as your own. Well, I’m sure it will all be fine and everything, but definitely a wild ride for you!
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You brought back a flood of memories of our daughter’s wedding, not all good!! Midway through stretching my lips at over a thousand total strangers, (all but a 100 invited by my in-laws and hers!) both of us were wishing she had eloped. Would have saved us megabucks 😀
Lovely post. And your little one looks amazing in his Indian outfit 🙂
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OK B there’s hint #1 she’s going to need another outfit as that’s a boys one 🙂
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Oops!! But it IS 😀
And I second Around the world with kids’ tip of gold up to the eyeballs, if you want to blend in.
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No, that was P who is a boy and in a boy’s outfit so it’s all cool – it’s just an old photo and they both look so similar you can’t tell them apart unless you know the year (or my hair cut/colour history).
So that is P, the boy, circa 2009, before his sister was even on the way. I don’t have that outfit any more (or the dress I’m wearing, though I do have the shrug) so it will be new outfits.
Obviously gold up to the eyeballs is the way to go! Thanks for the heads’ up!
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Also OMG – over a thousand? Where do you even find a suitable venue for that many people?
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Oops my mistake
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No, I’m glad you think I still look the same as I did four years ago…
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Whenever I feel like I’m “behind” on my blog reading, yours is the one I tend to miss the most. I love your writing. Light-hearted, intelligent, and full of GREAT information. When your blog is famous with a million, witty, world travelers, please don’t forget me…;)
I have nothing to offer as far as advice goes. The closest I’ve come to any Indian wedding traditions is henna because of my previous belly dance experience. If you get henna on your hand(s) (or foot/feet) and want it to last longer, a mixture of lemon juice and sugar gently dabbed on top will keep it protected until it starts to flake off.
Love the shrug in the pic. Not sure of appropriate Indian wedding attire but I think you look great for any nice event. 🙂
You make my world a brighter place.
PS Oh my goodness, Mrs. B is a BEAUTIFUL woman. Love the link to her post.
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Good henna tips. I’m not sure how much (if any) henna I’ll end up with, but now I know how to make it last!
I like that shrug, too. 🙂 I should wear it more often.
Yes, did you see the gorgeous airfield shoot on Mrs B’s blog? I’m just sorry I didn’t think of that myself… although I guess I could always do a “just because” airfield shoot?
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