Bits of July: How To Ensure People Listen To You
People don’t listen to me as often as I think they should – or, rather, when I think they should. (Certain kids seem good enough at hearing what I don’t want them to.)
If you also have this problem, you might want to note down this simple, three-step process which is 94% guaranteed to grab everyone’s attention and make them follow your instructions.
STEP ONE: Precipitate a crisis
The main reason people don’t listen is they think they know better. As if “knowing better” is even the point.
A crisis is a powerful tool for causing people to admit they’re out of their depth. Deliberately precipitating one isn’t easy, though. It requires the right combination of planning and luck – specifically, poor planning and bad luck. (Note: mere lack of planning won’t do.) You can learn more about poor planning by following this blog. The bad luck you’ll have to get on your own.
STEP TWO: Remain calm
In a land of panickers, he who remains calm is King. It’s a good idea to cultivate this talent ahead of time, by taking up semi-dangerous pastimes such as rock climbing, horse riding and skiing. Be sure to set your goals several notches above your skill level so you’re continually falling off a cliff, getting hurled violently under the feet of a half-ton of highly-strung beast, or slamming into a tree.
Pro-tip: practice at poor planning can lead to practice in staying calm*.
However (this is key) make sure you cheat death on every occasion, because dead people find it almost impossible to get people to listen to them.
If extreme sports aren’t your thing, you could also try joining an emergency response team, or depriving yourself of sleep to the point where the highest state of arousal you can achieve with a sudden release of adrenalin is “awake”. Emergency staff routinely use both these techniques at once.
STEP THREE: Tell everyone it’s ok
This doesn’t have to be true, or even plausible: it just has to be what folks want to hear. If you’re in a position of actual, legal authority, you may want to practice being reassuring without making any promises. Often, the word “alright”, tacked onto the beginning of a sentence, will serve nicely to reassure people without conveying any real meaning, as in, “Alright, we’re going to die.” Of course, if you’re actually going to die you might not care about delivering on promises.
CONGRATULATIONS!
Everyone is now listening to you. May I suggest you don’t abuse this power by telling them to do something freaky or harmful. If you can’t think of an instruction that isn’t freaky or harmful, you can use this opportunity to make people listen to the person most likely to have something intelligent to say.
I found some stuff on the internet in July to illustrate what I mean by “intelligent”, “freaky” and “harmful”. But first…
Me, Elsewhere:
- The #randomlimerick of the month is (of course) #ninjascones.
- I’ve been adding my thoughts on kindness at Multicultural Kid Blogs, where Eolia brought together various bloggers to discuss how kindness is shown in their corner of the world, and also at Solitary Wanderer, where Aleah is running a series on acts of kindness shown to solo travellers.
- Plus I was chuffed to be invited to guest post on Why We Travel With A Sensitive Child by Leila of Sensitive And Extraordinary (includes a plea for cleaning tips).
- Oh, and an extra bullet point because I was featured on Blogher – after which Devorah Heitner sent me an excellent post on the difference between mentoring and monitoring when it comes to bringing kids online.
You, And Other Awesome Things:
- We’ll start off with “harmful”, which was amply demonstrated at Africa Clockwise when they tipped their truck over on their eco-road-trip around Africa while sick with both typhoid and malaria.
- “Freaky” goes to Juliann, who slept inside an anus.
- And we couldn’t go without “intelligent”, could we gluestickmum, the young woman who swallowed a lie?
Now it’s your turn to name something awesome you read recently and/or go out there and start using the hashtag #ninjascones, which I feel should have some greater purpose.
*Only if you’re lucky.
Haha– I’ve got #2 down to such a degree that I probably seem medicated in times of crisis. In times of non-crisis, though? Not calm at all.
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Too nervous worrying about impending crises? That happens to me sometimes. It’s more relaxing when everything hits the fan than it is when you’re very nearly on top of things and wondering what’s going to muck it all up.
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LOL. I’m going to try some of these…I need some listening to around here!
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As long as you’re not planning to send me your therapy bill, go for it.
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Very clever and hilarious… ps, voted for you on tmb! 😃
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Ooh, thanks! Just got approved today, too!
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Yay! 😊
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I have gushing support for your post. Great Advice! I am good at staying calm now I need to create a crisis. Sounds like fun.
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Ooh, what sort of crisis do you think you’ll create? Bonus points if you can involve some kind of mummified bear part.
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I’m going to have to try some of these tips…especially with my parents.
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Haha – sometimes it’s not the younger generation or even our partners!
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LOL! I think I’ll take people NOT listening to me if it means I don’t have to be injured. 😉
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True. You have to manage your crisis carefully. I would also try to avoid injuring other people if it was me (especially if I would later have to care for those people).
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I need all the help i can get here… my son wont listen to a WORD I say!!
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You should definitely try keeping him in a constant state of terror*.
*Disclaimer: no responsibility is taken for loss, damage or therapy arising from this advice.
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Love it! For whatever reason I think I have a better chance of this working on my kids than my husband lol!
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I think a lot of husbands are like that. By which I mean “very hard to get listening” and not “excellent in a crisis” (though I’m sure there are those, too).
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Great read! Full of humor and good advice! Really enjoyed it… Also, I had begun thinking that the reason why I am having such trouble being listened to was because I lived in Italy… nobody listens to each other around here! But I get a feeling this is more about human nature (I insist on the fact that Italian nature is particularly unreceptive though!). I will be trying these suggestions and tips of yours right away!
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I will watch the news for any Italian crises… and tell no-one…
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Sounds like you’ve met my kids.
Are you listening to me??!
Nup.
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Definitely a widespread problem. When my son was born I didn’t realise how old they had to be before they reached the developmental milestone “listening”. (Actually still not sure on that.)
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All I could think about while reading the beginning of your post was the youtube clip, “Listen Linda.” 🙂
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Should I google that before or after the children go to bed?
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Oh yes, the power of curiosity and persuasion. An excellent and entertaining post. 🙂
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Oh, see, curiosity. There’s another angle you could go for if you don’t want to be in the middle of a crisis. As in – why are you hanging upside down by your knees in the middle of a meeting? That’d get their attention, too (although it’d lose its power quickly with overuse).
(Unless you actually came out with stuff worth hearing, in which case maybe it’d train people to listen to you whenever you start hanging upside-down?)
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Excellent angle. Definitely a post to make one wonder. 🙂
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Where do you find the time to be so clever, witty, AND gather all these entertaining links?? I’m listening…
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Me too!
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Ooh, you flatter me 🙂 .
There’s a reason I only do it once a month. That said, it’s hard to narrow it down to a strict limit of three or four sometimes – I figure I should, though, because everyone else is struggling to find time as well.
I’m not sure exactly how much time I spend being clever, in reality.
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This is so funny. I’m regularly exasperated at how people dismiss what I say. It reminds me of a quote: “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
― Maya Angelou
I keep it in mind, especially when dealing with children.
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And you know I think that applies especially in this case, because it’s extra-difficult to forget feeling panicked and traumatised.
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Well – I just read a picture book called Counting on Frank by Rod Clement. It’s about this kid and his dog who like to explore mathematical concepts.
The kid reminded me a little of a certain P who is also a deep thinker and ‘no’ Grandma is not loosing it. She does read ‘grown up’ books too.
I read ‘Counting on Frank’ to the kids at the hospital school this week. At least that’s my excuse. Don’t tell anyone I really go to the hospital school just because I love reading the picture books and need the kids to justify the need.
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You deprived grandparent you…
There are copies of Counting On Frank in the Singapore library! I’ve reserved it.
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I just open a bag of chips. 😉
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🙂
Do the kids listen to you then, or are they listening to the chips?
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The chips, no doubt. Fail. LMAO 😀
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😀
Ok, well chips aside – what have you read online lately that I should have read?
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I don’t know if this is something you would like to read, but I think it should be read by many. I did not finish it though. It was hard. Brought back ugly things.
http://fillingmyprayercloset.com/2014/07/29/dont-forget-that-i-love-you/
Enjoy your weekend! 🙂
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Harrowing read. I read it to the end – the end was better (good, even).
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“This doesn’t have to be true, or even plausible: it just has to be what folks want to hear. If you’re in a position of actual, legal authority, you may want to practice being reassuring without making any promises”
The mantra of all politicians no matter what their particular party. 🙂
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Ha, yes. See – it does work. Takes ages for people to stop listening to some of those politicians. Frustratingly long, sometimes.
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Hi Bronwyn! Funny post. I’m currently reading Magdalene by Angela Hunt. Well witten and surprisingly interesting. Also, I did my first ever guest post this week over at Willowdot21 http://willowdot21.wordpress.com/2014/07/27/6282/ Willow set the topic – “If we were having coffee…” and i wrote the post – my first ever. I’d be honored if you have the time to drop by and say “Hi”. Any comments, criticisms or suggestions are welcomed. Thanks!
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Just read through it – nice to meet you in longer form! (I left my proper comment over there.)
I’m just waiting to see if you and Expat Eye are up for a limerick off again this month… or should we give that a break? Maybe do haikus this time?
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I’m going to try this tomorrow 🙂
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Let us know what sort of crisis you go with!
In the meantime, favourite read from July?
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Thing is, I was going to list the same post Jhanis from The Vanilla Housewife posted – so you know it must be good. See above.
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A double-recommendation says a lot. Definitely one to think over.
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I just checked out the swallow lie rhyme! Hilarious! Thanks for the good recommendations and reads 🙂
I certainly agree about people don’t listen because they think they know better and know more!
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The swallow a lie rhyme was spot on. She’s done another poem parody this month as well if you click around but that one was my favourite.
Did you read anything you’d recommend this month?
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Been so busy just had time checking out my usual blogger circle. Will add on if I have good one 🙂
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Yes, definitely recommend anything. From your usual circle is fine (of course!)
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This post resonates with me and curious to know your views so much that I am sending this in my work place to you 🙂 probably suitable for Bits of August :p http://www.catch-fortywinks.com/2014/08/avoiding-social-media-trap/
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Christy – that’s a great post. I left some brief thoughts in the comments over there.
Since there are so many thoughts on this flying around lately I might even start blogging some of them out in longer form (if only to get them together better in my head). I’ve got an idea I’ve been toying with to introduce some of the more practical aspects – maybe next week?
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Look forward!
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Well I think you just wrote how I make it through my daily life, although I think it still isn’t working so well on Zoë. Just too many distractions for a 3 year old to notice me. haha
I can’t wait to read these links you gave us, especially the one about the man sleeping in the anus. This one sounds like awesome morning reading to me!
I read a post a yesterday that was exactly what I needed to read as I was feeling a bit of a failure in this motherhood job. It made me realize I’m not doing that bad (at least I hope I’m not!)… http://momlifenow.com/2014/07/31/eyes-wide-open/
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The anus is a very special type of accommodation. I felt like packing my bags immediately and heading off. It would really suit what I feel like when I wake up in the morning.
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I was thinking the same thing! haha
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Thanks for the link, too, by the way – I’m going to go through these later today in my lunch break.
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Well now you have gone and released the secret code to the world I won’t seem so competent to my family anymore! Of course they are all dyed-in-the-wool panickers so I usually come out as the voice of reason by default
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If they’re dyed-in-the-wool it might still work on them – you’ll just have to watch for people trying to use it on you. Maybe take your Voice Of Reason skills up a notch by doing something like babysitting my children so I can catch up on reading blogs.
Any recommended links to get me started? (I won’t hold you to the babysitting.)
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Extremely glad that you brought ninja scones to my attention!
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I had to or nobody would have seen them…
I guess you’ve been too busy socialising with family to have accumulated many reading recommendations for July?
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Hmmm… I’m still reading The Age of Ambition by Evan Osnos. Good, but you’re absolutely right that it’s slow going this month. Ask me in November when it’s dark in Holland and I have no friends.
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Will do! I imagine you’ll be full of recommendations then! 🙂
(I say 🙂 but actually I know it could also be pretty accurate…)
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Accurate that I won’t have friends or that I will have book recommendations? 😉
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I’m sure you’ll have friends sooner or later and you’ve probably got a lot of tricks for finding them in a hurry nowadays, so perhaps that bit’s wrong and you’ll be partying and play dating it up to get yourself out there, with no time for reading.
But I’ve found the initial period to be a bit quieter on that front. I guess I like to find my feet a bit more first and it doesn’t worry me so much if I don’t have anyone to drink coffee with for a while.
I’m sure you’ll have book recommendations either way. Blog post/internet article recommendations are also good.
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And people keep referring to me as crazy and bonkers. Clearly I have just been working on the second step with much vigor. considering my emergency room nurse days I’ve got it covered.
I enjoyed reading your guest post Bronwyn on traveling with sensitive kids. Your sentence about stretching them without breaking them was perfect.
Now in theme of new posts and assisting your readers here is a post I found and yes I have entered. 🙂 Who wouldn’t want to have a jet pack?
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You are definitely well trained for staying calm.
As for the link, I’m not sure whether to click through or not, given the number of times I’ve had to explain to P that I won’t be getting him a jet pack for Christmas. They do sound cool, though. I can see where he’s coming from. Thanks for sharing the link – it would be very cool if someone I knew won it!
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Stay tuned Bronwyn. I think I may have to beg people to vote for me. The things one has to so for a jet pack ride. 🙂
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I will vote for you.
I haven’t clicked through yet – I’m imagining it’s one of those water jet things? They have one on Sentosa in Singapore. So if it doesn’t work out you can always come around this way and try it out.
Every time we go to Sentosa P either sees it or remembers about it and there’s a minimum weight limit which he’s way under and then we have to argue about ice-cream.
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The link is about looking for people to enter. I received an email that I am one of the finalists but that post hasn’t come up yet. I appreciate the vote in advance. I went with the ” wouldn’t you like to see an old lady try a jet pack?” theme.
Yes it is one of the water ones and I didn’t realize you had it on Singapore. Well that and ice cream sounds great!
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Tuck it in the back of your mind 🙂
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Damn my good luck and awesome planning skills – it seems nobody will ever listen to me!
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I am so glad I am highly disorganised and sometimes unlucky.
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No one listens to me ever. Especially not my children. Does this also work on toddlers?!
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It does, but only if you get them in that very narrow gap between “overwhelmed enough to listen” and “total brain shutdown”. Adults have a much wider gap, but on the upside it’s easier to tuck a toddler under your arm and haul them off screaming if you miss your target.
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Ah yes and most adults cannot be bribed into listening with biscuits..
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They would have to be pretty good biscuits and/or empty promises of success and popularity.
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That would work for me!
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An empty promise is still a promise, after all.
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I now find a need to take up extreme sports!
There has been more than one occasion where I’ve said the same thing 3 times (or more!) in response to a question – and I have to ask “Can no one hear me? I’ve told you the answer 3 TIMES!!!”
🙂
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That drives me mad. You’d think if someone asked the question they’d be interested in the answer.
Now I get it if they just didn’t understand the answer, but that’s often not what happens.
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Forgot to ask if you have any reading recommendations to pass on?
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I wish I could say that read some classic great books or have loaded up on the self-improvement, but that’s not how I roll! 🙂
I did just finish Flossophy by Ruth Hartman ($0.99 e-book right now) and that was a fun quick read.
I’m in the process of reading Melanie Jo Moore’s book Letters to Young Chong – I think it’s autobiographical, and I know it’s long, but so entertaining! I read that when I’m doing my 30 minutes on the stationary bike! I follow Melanie’s blog, and I try and support those that have written books!
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Reading from a stationary bike. I should do more (any) of that.
Sorry, I know you had some specific suggestions in there but that’s what stood out to me 🙂
Melanie Jo Moore, eh? I’ll have to look her up… new one to me.
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How can people not listen to you. Man, are they missing out.
Great post (and not just because I got a mention, although that made my day).
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I tell them they’re missing out by not listening but they don’t seem to hear me.
Well-deserved mention. That parody was spot on.
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Oh, also: any links to recommend?
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Haha this was so funny! Made my day… great post :).
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Thanks! Hope you enjoyed a couple of the links, too. Anything you’ve read recently that you’d recommend?
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Haha, I sure read till the end. And found a couple of interesting looking new blogs again, thanks! And congrats on being featured elsewhere, you’ve been busy! Quite interesting how Singapore encourages kindness, not a bad idea really!
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And I didn’t even have to precipitate a crisis this time!
Yes, now I write it down July’s been quite busy! Think I’ll take August off 🙂
The Singapore kindness foundation (or something, anyway) seems to kind of work.
Now did you see anything I should be reading this month?
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I’ll get back to that, have a bunch to catch up with first 🙂
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Come to think of it, have you checked the Lift Magazine launched by Naomi at 365 days – diary of a newly single mum? She’s done an amazing journey, which I’ve followed. She’s intelligent and inventive and is now running the e-mag for single parents from Tasmania. I may not be a single parent but still find that there are good tips for just running a household with small children, not enough hours per day and work. You’ll find the magazine here: http://liftmagazine.com.au
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Thanks – haven’t come across that one yet. And yes, I can imagine the tips could be used by everyone, even if they’re most needed when you’re pressed/haven’t got help.
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