Delinquent Itinerants: A Guide To Discipline for Young Travellers
So! So. I’m going to open this can of worms.
How do we react when the kids behave poorly on holiday? And when I say “we” I mean you, I’m just trying not to sound all confrontational about it. Feel free to chip in if you don’t have kids of your own, by the way. It takes a planeload to fly a toddler and all that.
Last year I wrote up what I’d learned about preventing unsociable behaviour in our children when travelling (and I promised a segment on three to five year olds before I realised that: a) I can’t think of any travel-related thing common to all three to five year olds, unless it’s that their parents sometimes fantasise about packing themselves on a one-way trip to Anywhere But Here; and b) I’d already covered all my “triggers” and didn’t really have anything to add).
The truth is we’ve learned a lot in the past five years. The other truth, clearly, is that we still have our incidents and if it’s difficult to know how to respond at home, it’s even more challenging when we’re somewhere else.
How Much More Challenging Is It To Discipline Kids On Holiday?
Let x be how challenging everyone thinks it is to discipline kids, when they don’t have any. (Or when they mostly let their spouse raise them, or when they manage, somehow, to forget – like that woman at the supermarket who claimed to have raised seven children who NEVER EVER CRIED and probably wondered why I didn’t look at her with humility and admiration, but with the kind of faint horror reserved for those who say things which are both strange and sinister.)
Let approximate how challenging it actually is to discipline your children, on a normal day.
Adjust by factor h – the additional challenge of disciplining your children on a day when they’re grappling with unusual expectations.
Let k be your level of uncertainty over how your children will be expected to behave within your host environment.
Let j be your confidence that your reaction will be deemed publicly acceptable in whatever place you happen to have gone to.
Let l be your ability to smooth onlookers with brief explanations and reassurances that the situation is absolutely under control, despite the reality.
Let m be your ability to predict and direct the interventions of strangers, and n be your child’s ability to predict and feel comfortable with the interventions of strangers.
Let o be the number of disciplinary tools you use at home, and p/o be the proportion left available to you when you leave home.
Finally, let q be your ability to perform disciplinary actions on an average day, when you are fully rested; totally undistracted by hunts (in a foreign language) for food, accommodation, and toilets; not suffering from any form of culture shock; removed from aspirations of long-distance trains or flights which are going to leave without you if you don’t hurry up; blissfully free of interruptions from hawkers trying to sell you knock-off designer handbags and soft drinks; and not at all concerned about being a good ambassador for your entire nation – where q-r-s-t-u-v-w is your ability (z) to perform disciplinary actions when faced with each of these things, respectively.
Multiply it all by the universal irritability constant ().
Y (the difficulty of disciplining your children on holiday) can now be shown as:
…or in plain English: it’s complicated. But it doesn’t have to be!
The Ain’t Misbehaving Series is all about improving h and z – setting the itinerary to minimise confusion and keep everyone within a reasonable radius of their comfort zone. When everyone copes well, of course life is easier – when it comes to prevention, and also when it comes to cure. This post, then, is what I’ve learned about the other bits of the equation.
Reducing Uncertainty and Building Confidence
In South-East Asia they use two hands to pass objects. In Japan nobody blows their nose in public. In the USA there is this whole confusing “tipping” stuff and in France – well. I never did work them out. But you know what’s true everywhere I’ve been? Two year olds will act like two year olds.
It takes years (up to nineteen, according to Sue Slaght) to civilise a new human, and with the exception of deluded people in supermarkets and those who come from societies where you practically have to show DNA or court-certified proof of entitlement to say a simple hello to anyone under fifteen, everyone understands this.
This is good news! The pressure is not on your child’s actions (k). No: it’s on your reactions (j through everything else).
But you can take heart anyway, because even on the number sixty-seven bus – the one which runs past your own front door – you’ll find that in a completely uninvited poll of two almost-identical elderly gentlemen, the first thinks you’re being too harsh, and the second thinks you’re being too soft. And that’s the good news because screw it, you can’t please everyone, even at home. (It occurs to me I suck at good news.)
My point is that cultures differ in how they raise their children but they all have them and they often disagree amongst themselves anyway and then people everywhere turn out largely functional at the end (except for the occasional oddball who has nothing better to do than make ridiculous statements to new parents at the supermarket).
That said, I find a quick cross-cultural look into parenting practices at our intended destination can be both edifying and confidence-building. At best, I can anticipate, interpret and work with the responses of locals, and direct my children’s responses appropriately. At the least, I end up less confused about when we’re offending people and why.
The Portable Toolkit – Building A Technique You Can Use Confidently And Consistently, Wherever You Are
Someone once told me to read none of the parenting books or all of them, and I immediately set about option two. Many volumes later, I have learnt only that most experts advise consistency, although even that may just be a ploy to sell sequels. Assuming it’s true, though, the best technique is the one you can, will, and do use anywhere, any time – both at home and abroad.
Update: Expatlingo has uncovered the one area where consistency may fail: when creative ploys help distract children from irrational problems. Overusing the “distract-and-confuse” tactic can weaken it. (See her comment below for examples of the distract/confuse tactic in play.) Meanwhile, Renlingshuiyue of Knocking On China’s Door throws out one of our most common tactics: jumping on the spot. Like a drill seargent (“Drop and give me twenty!”). It’s probably something to do with endorphins or brain waves but it seems to act as a reset and it’s totally portable. (End update.)
For this reason, travelling parents might consider avoiding techniques which are highly controversial or sometimes illegal, such as hitting or smacking. Now, my point here is not that smacking is bad (we can debate that separately, or not – I vote not) – my point is that smacking doesn’t travel well, so if you’re planning to travel with your kids, you may want to build up a different sort of toolkit.
I’ll also mention yelling, not because it’s uniquely controversial or at all illegal (although it is widely frowned-upon), but because it’s loud and will draw more attention to whatever inevitably-controversial methods you’re using – and your misbehaving child can draw enough attention all by themselves.
So let’s imagine you’ve followed my advice (as opposed to my example) and chosen a plan of action which excludes smacking and yelling, and doesn’t rely on immediate access to anything you can’t carry with you in a suitcase. You’ll want to start using it straight away, because consistency. Then you’ll want to keep using it, despite the fact everyone is staring at you like a freak. About which:
Smoothing Onlookers Despite Language Barriers
Wherever a child plays up in public, there are three types of onlookers. There are those who offer to help. There are those who stare or complain. And there are those who ignore the whole thing politely.
When people ignore me politely I simply ignore them back and we all get along.
Others invite response. If I can accept an offer of help quickly, effectively, and without unduly burdening anyone, I do, and not just for my own convenience. I believe people complain not because a child is annoying them, but because a child is annoying them and they feel there is nothing they can do about it. Encouraging the person who feels they can do something, whether it’s clapping to entertain a fussy baby, standing in the way of a determined runner, or holding the door/stowing the bags of the overloaded parent, is win-win-win – for me, for the helper, and for the attitude towards parents and children throughout society in general.
Update: Free But Fun Vilma has been able to swap favours with other parents so everyone helps each other out – even though they may be strangers.
On the other hand, unless there’s a common language, you could be stuck all day trying to mime, “Well, maybe you could hold my place in the queue for a second or two so I can have a go at finding my husband and asking him to fetch an extra nappy while he’s off tracking down the sliced apples?” If I judge that my efforts would be more productively directed towards dealing with the matter in peace and quiet, I decline offers of help and deter staring using the most effective technique I’ve learned so far.
Deterring Starers and Kind, but Useless Offers of Help – In Any Language
Step One: hold your palms together in front of your face in prayer position. (You can use a single hand if you only have one free because you’re holding a child, or taking a selfie.)
Step Two: bring your hand(s) to the side of your face, by your ear.
Step Three: tilt your head slightly and close your eyes.
Step Four: Pat your child soothingly, as if you are putting them to sleep right now.
Congratulations. You have just communicated, “Thanks for trying to help, but there’s not much you can do. We are onto it, though!” without a single piece of mutually-comprehensible vocab. Hopefully at least 70% of bystanders have now smiled sympathetically, shrugged, and wandered off. The fact that the actual problem revolves around a promised museum visit which is not going to happen due to a planning error and not tiredness at all is hardly relevant.
Warning: It’s also easy to communicate “he’s hungry”, but before you attempt this you should be aware that approximately 93%* of those offering to help disgruntled children (at least in Asia) are carrying sugary treats, and up to 67%** of those treats contain artificial colourings and flavourings, usually red. I like to stick with “tired”.
Dealing With Complainers
Usually, I deal with these people by plastering a smile on my face as I move away. If I can’t, Plan B often involves ignoring them like a polite Londoner (hint! a tent made of broadsheet newspaper provides both visual and auditory screening!).
Update: Bakeritalia suggests using corners as the quiet place to whisk off to – they’re everywhere. Of course, you don’t have to wait for stares or complaints before using this tip. And Thrifty Travel Mama finds herself avoiding eye contact under most circumstances.
If I can communicate easily or I’m forced to respond more directly, I try to start by reminding myself that the person has a problem which they are trying to solve, and it’s just that they’re not good at either a) generating solutions or b) expressing themselves politely. And I remind myself that this is no reason to be impolite or fail to generate a solution – or to give in to a solution which is not mutually reasonable. And then I usually balls it all up.
In my fantasies, I either gush sarcastically about their “offer of help” and give them five different jobs which would make all our lives easier OR I peer at a spot just above their lip whilst indicating with my hand and saying, “You’ve got something on your face…” and when they drop their scowl in exchange for an embarrassed look I say, “That’s better! All gone!” and whisk everyone away before they work out what’s happened.
But in real life, I usually go with Plan A (move away) or Plan B (ignore) or plan D (balls it all up).
I Would Prefer To Learn From Your Mistakes
Over the past nearly-six years we’ve been through trials and errors. But in future, I’d prefer to learn from your mistakes. Do you have comments, criticisms, advice, or stories? Are you game to share them with us all or would you prefer to contact me privately? I will pay you! No, I won’t pay you, but I’ll appreciate you fiercely and do a roundup, or something.
I’m serious. Go!
—
*I made the exact figure up, but I’m close.
**Probably not that close.
This post was shared as part of Travel Tips Tuesday at Suitcases and Sippy Cups – who also have a guide to travel-training your kids a-la your first grade teacher.
Great blog and you certainly have drawn a number of interesting comments. As a very frequent flyer I see a lot of variety in how children are supervised in airports and in the air and it goes from very good to horrible. I believe that almost all parents have a blind spot about their own progeny…it’s the OPKs (Other Peoples Kids) that are the problem. Ear piercing screams because ears aren’t popping correctly is something that can be avoided and parents need to understand the environment they take their children into. Wandering toddlers in a busy airport are not “cute” when you are rushing to catch a close connection and the little guy blocks your progress. Temper tantrums in airport kiosks are sometimes unavoidable so just buy them the little whatever and shut them up. IMO, the worst travelers are the middle-schoolers on a field trip. Old enough to know better but once they’re in a group of peers they sink to the lowest level of maturity in their group and camp out there. But it’s a great conversation and thanks for the good post.
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We definitely see all types. Although, I’ve come to know that it’s less about types sometimes than the days on which you see people. I’ve been the best and the worst parent in the world all in the same week.
I have to say I don’t see the OPK stereotype very much. My son frequently complains that I never seem to get bothered when anybody else’s children do stuff wrong and the fact is it tends to only bother me when it’s my own kids. Most of my friends agree (we actually like hearing other people’s kids throw tantrums).
The ear popping: unfortunately it is hard to avoid it if the kid has a head cold and/or won’t cooperate with any of the techniques you’re trying to use on them. We’ve mostly been fine but have had two instances I can remember off the top of my head where we just couldn’t do anything about it, try as we did.
And I could understand where they were coming from, because as an adult I once had ear-splitting pain on a flight and I could not get rid of it no matter what I did and I was just about screaming, too (I managed to confine myself to some quiet whimpering and sobbing). I even asked the flight attendant for any tricks and nothing worked.
I also never buy the whatsit to shut them up because I’m the one who has to put up with them in the long run, not the bystanders, and also I always picture future bystanders being thankful towards me because they haven’t been subjected to future tantrums. 🙂
But yes, kids in groups do egg each other on and especially when you add the excitement of the field trip into the mix. Teachers must feel knackered after a field trip. I really feel for them on those days.
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Nice article! We do agree with you; in general, it is really difficult to keep kids still during holidays. Fortunately, for us, Alexa is pretty well behaved when we bring her along with us for a vacation.
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You’re very lucky! And you’re probably also doing something right (I won’t say it’s entirely one or the other 😉 ).
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i love this. bookmarked for future reference.
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Any other tricks you stumble across, don’t forget to add them.
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This is so great – we don’t travel as much as we used to, but I remember those days well. You’re in a whole different game though not speaking the language – wow. Great advice there. I particularly liked the you-have-something-on-your-face routine. I may use that one with or without daughter, right here in my own hometown haha. Great post!
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Well, use it at your own discretion! I’ve never been game to use that kind of sarcasm on strangers. (Let us know how it goes if you do.)
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On a side note, Vilma’s link is wrong. And I would suggest that when you do a link, you may consider checking the box on “open link in new window”. Then readers will not need to hit the back button to resume reading your post. For sure, I am one who do click on the links! 🙂
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Thanks for the head’s up! Looks like I copied and pasted the wrong URL for the link and didn’t notice (glad someone did)!
Also, thanks for clicking on the links. I like to click on links, too! I wonder how many people prefer the open link in new window thing? I always right click if I want it to open in a new window or left if I don’t and it drives me absolutely nuts when websites make that decision for me (it makes me swear at the screen). A’s like that too (we curse our computers a lot), so I guess I just assumed everyone was the same? Maybe I should run a poll!
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Oh for IT idiots like me, I only do a left click haha..
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I think a poll might be in order – obviously there are different points of view! (Although to be honest, the thought of having my husband swear at me every time he clicks a link is putting me off a bit – his vote might carry a lot more weight than everyone else since I have to listen to him! lol.)
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I have to face my kids squabbling all the time, at home and outside. I am not too sure if this is normal. But sometimes, I feel that it’s my fault that they misbehave. I hate the squabbling in public and it could get bad though rarely. As much as I tried to be a yummy mummy, I still have to raise my voice. But one thing for sure, I will mete out punishment only when we are home. Most people much prefer to see how the parents react to misbehavior than seeing what the kids are up to. I know all eyes are usually on me. It’s like watching a show. And I am determined to show off my cool look with a firm disapproving message across to the kids. Well, it’s not easy and may not work most of the time. If all fails, I prefer to just walk away, pretend that these kids ain’t mine!
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I really enjoy hearing your perspective on this, since we’re living here and I wonder how the locals think of me! It does seem as if the children get more of a pass with most people but it’s the adults they look at (compared to Australia, where I think they expect the children to behave more automatically which I think is a bit unfair on them).
Interesting you never punish when out – now I think of it, I’ve only seen a local do that once (she must have really been pushed!)
I’ve often been tempted to pretend they’re not mine. In fact I have walked away once or twice when P was three (he was a handful then and with a newborn baby in the carrier it was harder to deal with) but everybody knew who he belonged to! The great thing about Singapore is that I’ve found people are more willing to help out and the times I walked off a nearby shopkeeper bent down and told him he’d better stop bunging on a turn and hurry and catch up and he took one look at them and complied! Do you find the same?
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Yes I think Singaporeans are helpful most times. It hurts me when I see a child being punished in public. Time outs are different but seeing the kid being verbally abused and hit in public often make me feel like lecturing the parent. Of course I’ve not tried. Would be more detrimental to the kid and dangerous for me.
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Ok so here’s a question: what do you see as “telling the child the correct way” vs “verbal abuse”? I’m assuming you don’t mind parents correcting their children in some way or other whilst out so I’m wondering what the generally accepted difference is between right way and wrong way. (Or maybe I’m wrong and you don’t correct them publicly? I’ve definitely told both kids off a few times!)
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In my opinion, correcting on the spot is important. Verbal abuse means words that will hurt. I have told off my kids every time I see disapproving behavior. But punishment will be at home. Just so they are not embarrassed in public which might leave a more negative impression in them than the wrong-doing itself.
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Ok, I see the difference. What do you do when they ignore what you tell them in public, though?
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Haha! I will have to repeat myself and if they still “can’t hear”, I’ll stop in my tracks or whatever we are doing and demand a positive response. I try not to use threats although it’s tempting.
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Sigh. I was hoping you’d have a magical answer so they always listened to you in the first place. 🙂
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How I wish! I guess no kids will “always” listen. That would have been too weak in their character. I prefer they protest if there are good reasons to do so. It shows that they are thinking and not afraid of challenging authority. Misbehaviour in public is not so desirable, we still have to use effective ways to stop that. If the ways used on them are good enough, I consider that effective parenting.
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My number one method of dealing with my children when they misbehave or are bad-tempered in public is a sly combination of distraction and confusion. So, for example, if my 3 year old is losing his cool over something, like say his shoes getting dirty, I point behind him and suddenly say with great enthusiasm, “hey, whoa look at that: a motorcycle with baskets of chickens on the back!” (works better in Vietnam) or (in a pinch): “look, look, is that a train over there?!” (when there is really nothing, or perhaps just a truck towing something). With the older one, I might delve into crazy stories about turning back time (ala Superman spinning the world backward) in order to fix the problem of the spilled apple juice etc. That can usually suck her into some other kind of creative mind-game and make her forget the problem.
Stealth confusion and distraction: A strategy best pulled out on special occasions like travel. If over-used at home, it probably won’t work in a pinch.
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Aha. The argument against consistency. I knew no rule was universal.
Although I do also know what you mean. One of my responses when my kids are doing the I want I want is to respond, “Well, I want donuts to fall from the sky!” which distracts them nicely BUT ONLY IF I don’t overuse it.
I could probably get a bit more creative with it, though, along your lines. What I wouldn’t have given for a bike load of chickens the other day when the 2yo was complaining for an hour straight because her pants hadn’t grown along with her legs.
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The bizarreness of the “bike full of chickens” is why it works very well on holiday. And it only really works for irrational tantrums (usually linked to being tired/hungry because of being on holiday). If they’re just breaking rules (hitting/snatching/etc) then I guess we had both better stick with consistency and use the quiet-corner, time-out suggestion someone else made already…
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Yes, that was BakerItalia at Italy Take Two. We can probably get into a big discussion about what bits should change and which should stay the same. Upsets over non-growing pants/dirty shoes/spilt juice probably fall into the “distract and move on” category, throwing oneself thoughtlessly into oncoming traffic, perhaps less so.
I have, come to think of it, used the bizarreness of the holiday scene to make creative threats in order to prevent bad behaviour. Usually I notice an unusual, local pattern of behaviour before my kids do and use this observation to convince them that I am a magical being who can control others and bend the world to my will and then I imply that it doesn’t really work out well for anyone I’m upset with.
You sound a lot nicer than me.
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I couldn’t help but not to comment so I dashed off to fetch my laptop just so I can sacrifice my lunch to reply.
There had been a fierce debate in the North American Asian community after a firestorm erupted after the book Tiger Mom was published. There has always been a sort of stereotypical attitude concerning Asian parenting in the west. The idea that Asian uses the A+ style of parenting. A+ means, either A+ or go home. We demand the best, and we are going to get the best, darn it! Of course, that’s a stereotype and some Asians in North America have been fiercely disputing it. I’ll post some video discussions when I have the time.
The essence of that particular style of parenting is similar to the concept that it takes 3 generations to raise a proper gentleman. A proper gentleman requires 3 things, money, education, and time. The first generation to make the money. The second to learn the education. The third to give the appropriate amount of time for the proper behaviour to take. That’s probably why boarding schools are so popular and expensive.
One’s upbringing is reflected in one’s behaviour or one’s reaction towards surprising events. These type of procedural memory is very hard to fight against. I personally fight against my parenting in all kinds of situations despite having left home at age 13. I was a keychain child for 4 years before that. It’s a difficult thing, because not all parents have all the money, time and effort to care about their kids all the time.
What about us that aren’t rich aristocrats that can afford people to exhibit proper behaviour at all times or have people around us dealing with all the “menial” tasks so we could behave like a proper gentlemen/ladies? Even that fails sometimes, you know, Harry is a good example.
I am sorry to say that I haven’t personally had children yet. I have, however, taught all kinds of students across all ages for almost 20 years. The quickest way to deal with an unwanted behaviour is to ignore it completely. In most extreme circumstances, I’ll pretend that student doesn’t exist. This can usually correct the I want attention behaviour that occurs. It’s shockingly effective. Since I am usually called in (because I am only part timing for fun these past few years)when there is a problem or the original teacher doesn’t want to deal with it anymore, I get a lot of practices. I am usually calm, despite the fact that I want to probably pull out a chainsaw like in the video games to chop zombies. Panic, stress, frustration and most negative emotions are very transferable between people especially when one stands in position of authority. It’s spreads faster than any H1N1 virus. It’s a lot more scary when 20 – 30 kids are all going nuts at the same time, and no, I obviously can’t hit them. 😛
One of my favourite phrase or mantra I chant when in class is something I’ve stolen from a TV show. “Be calm and Assertive.” A mantra I heard from the show, “The Dog whisper”. This is the key in dealing with unwanted behaviour. As parents, you probably don’t need any of the complicated psycho-analytical skills that some teachers require/acquire.
1. Set up basic ground rules that are absolute. All children need guidelines like a ship looking for a light tower in fog. These are the things you can’t do. Be Firm. Children will test you on this, repeatedly. You probably need some clear and concise punishments set up beforehand before doing so. No needs to mean NO. Any kids that can learn this will have less problems later on in life, especially when it’s time to move on.
2. Having set up the ground rules, everything else can be flexible. In terms of flexibility, it’s up to you whether you are the type to take before giving or giving before taking. If you like the former, say time’s up when they are playing (video games or something) when you don’t mind them playing for 10 – 15 mins. After some begging, you can be nice because they are such great kids, and give them 10 mins more.
3. Since they are so young, ignoring unwanted behaviour probably works better than other complicated tactics. The follow up is important though, because a lot of people forget it. You need to pay extra attention to them when they do well/behave well.
4. Children do not forgive and forget. A complicated concept. Basically they will usually remember every little thing you’ve ever done in their presence. So, one should probably never do anything that they don’t want their children to ever imitate in front of the kids, especially when the children aren’t old enough to understand the difference between public personas and private ones. Personally, I’ve never forgotten every major mistakes my parents made in front of me in my life.
5. Something I usually tell myself – Don’t be angry, be disappointed. I don’t get angry at students, because I felt that it’s pointless. Even though releasing my anger at the target of my irritation will make me feel better in the mean time, it will make me feel even worse when the behaviour escalates. I usually tell them that I expected better from them. This won’t work unless you’ve previously established a relationship with the child in question, but as a parent that’s a non-issue.
6. Behaviours are like rituals. Rituals are formed by step by step procedures. Procedure memories are best formed when young. Therefore, it’s best to establish rituals with the child in order to keep him/her centred. When to do what is the best/quickest way to establish rituals. A difficult thing to enforce during travel time, but when it works, it’s fabulous. When to wake up, brush teeth, wash face, shower, go to bathroom, play, etc, etc.
Good luck!
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You left home at thirteen! Very independent. Interesting idea of three generations to make a gentleman and I can see where the ingredients would fit in (and how hard it would be to come by all three for many throughout history and in the world today).
I’m also glad you made that comment about ignoring being your most effective tactic, because recently I was seething after reading a long diatribe on the internet against parents who ignore their children’s bad behaviour. In reality I think for younger children ignoring can often be a real negative reinforcement, with the only problem being that your two year old might accidentally kill himself if you ignore him for two minutes straight (and ignoring him unless he’s about to kill himself rapidly leads to an increase in risky behaviour). It tends to only work if you have a prepared safe space, and this is exactly the type of problem you run into when you’re travelling away from home.
For older children, I suspect whether it works or not depends somewhat on culture, as well as individual personality. If you live in a society which promotes individual liberty, then yes, I suppose being left alone to do whatever you please could be a great prize, and not a punishment at all. In societies where the collective good is a greater priority, being shunned is probably the worst punishment ever (and of course people generally feel some sort of urge to be accepted). So I seethed because this person was complaining about a woman interacting (or rather not interacting) with her child in a playground and actually what on earth made her think that the woman wasn’t dealing with her child’s behaviour in the most effective way possible within the context of her child’s ideas, personality and what they were trying to achieve?
Anyway, I thank you for your back up on that one – that sometimes ignorance can be bliss! (I kind of feel like hunting down the article and posting your response to the author.)
On the whole, though, I have to say comparing my six months experience of teaching to my five years of parenting, I found it easier to discipline a class of 30-70 students than to discipline my own two and I put it down to several reasons. First, I get less emotional about other people’s children. Second, it’s easier to have firm, simple rules in the artificial environment of the classroom than in the more complicated real world. And third, I used to get a five minute break at least once every two hours AND whole evenings with nothing to do but prepare future lessons. Sometimes even lunch hours. Often, whole days off. And usually, an unbroken night’s sleep. Makes it so much easier to stay on top of things and to use all those tricks which cost time and effort in the short term.
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The Tiger mother debate.
Originally, I wanted to be a psychiatrist, then I discovered the length of time I needed to get a license and establish a practice. 7 years of school, 3 years of residency, 2 years of in house training, and probably 2 – 3 years observing on the job in a governmental institution. All that boring information is to set up the fact that I learned something very interesting in my classes. As students, we can volunteer after 3 – 4 years (or 2 depending on your certificates) at various counselling, coaching, or other school, or medical institutions. It looks good on the resume’ too. I first learned of the animal behaviour modification theory in a Couple’s counselling/coaching place. The idea is to train your partner like you would train a dog. (I know what it sounds like 😛 ) You would ignore unwanted behaviour and praise good behaviour. It’s actually quite hard to do especially when I see them at it. It’s ingrained in a lot of people that we give “attention” to negative behaviours and emotions just to make it “go away” for the time being. You would need to consciously make an effort to practice against your ingrained reactions.
I didn’t think much of it until I learned more about the idea of Body language and movement theory, and the studies of personal space in relation to others. As someone who travels often, I am sure you pick up on body language and other small social cues very fast. Anyway, this is relevant to the subject at hand, so bear with me. There has been research into helping autistic children with dance. What happens when one has to deal with children who are incapable to regular communication? One uses the most fundamental method of communication, movement, gestures and expressions.
And then I learned about “The Dog Whisper” through a book, so I took a look when I saw I can get it on the cable. It was fascinating from my perspective and experience. He has very good body language, and that’s perhaps because he has such deep insight through dogs. His mantras are fabulous, ignoring a unwanted behaviour means, “No touch, No talk, No eye contact.”. While one centre a dog by using “Exercise, Discipline, and Affection.”, and that’s the ritual and guideline for the dogs on how to behave. Humans can misinterpret body language, but dogs don’t. It sees you as you are, not as you say.
Seeing is believing –
This show was liberating for me. CBT/Gestalt therapy/Freudian psychoanalysis were the standard treatment/training for us, and it was a pain. You talk and talk and talk, then 5 years later with 20,000 dollars of psy bills, you “might” feel better. But, if one uses the “new” movement/gesture/body language style behaviour modification theories/practices, I can get some results right away. I know I am not addressing a root problem that could be from different sources besides the usual that we see on TV like Sopranos (hormones, brains, neurons, biological problems), but luckily, most people are normal enough not to suffer from strange neurological diseases from birth.
I am getting ahead of myself and probably leaving certain things behind in the dust. Anyway, in practical terms, I always tell myself never to freak out along with the kids (whether babysitting or teaching). If I am stressed, I’ll acknowledge that I am stressing or panicking, then do exercises to calm down. As you can see in the show, if one can deal with freak outs like that, you can stop the situation from escalating. When travelling to a new place, I (you can too) use basic rituals to relax, as in repeating certain behaviours that I do at home or places I live for long periods. A friend will give her son his favourite toothbrush with minty flavours for him to calm down. And since he is “doing” something, he won’t have time to focus on his own negative emotions. Ignoring him needs to be done properly – 1. no talk, no touch, no eye contact, 2. you need to be calm and not appear angry or stressed out, so he doesn’t feel abandoned, 3. this is negative reinforcement, but not punishment, what we want to do is reinforce negative associations with negative behaviour. Kids also have vivid imaginations, so I would sometimes use the “Happy Place” trick. I also have quite a few friends that use it. I would have the kids imagine where in fantasy land/fairy tales they want to visit, who they want to meet, and what they want to do. When the kids are stressed in a complicated circumstances where you don’t have time to deal with, you can ask them to go to their “Happy Place”. A different modification theory that lets mind focused on something else and humans can easily transfers the feeling of imagination in reality. When all else fails, laugh. Laugh a deep laugh, from the stomach. Ask the kids to copy you. A very fast, very effective behaviour modification technique that can have immediate result. It’s helpful when done in front of a mirror. The airport is a great place to try as testified by some friends. 1. you would look silly laughing for no reason in front of the mirror, 2. even if it’s fake, laughing and smiling are contagious and tricks the brain into feeling good (I am laughing, therefore I must be feeling good), 3. it would also relax you so you have the emotional RAM to deal with other things annoying you at that moment. One last thing, it might be easier if you can snap him out of it before he escalates into a 5 on stressed scale, with 10 being a full blown tantrum. As soon as he goes into that state, snap him out of it. A technique used in the show but explored in NLP for humans. While NLP is heavily disputed, I’ll take whatever works for the now and deal with the root problem when we have the leisure. You can snap your fingers, clap, scare him, or ask him to jump up and down.
I feel like a runaway train with the comments because I guess I got excited by topics that interests me. I hope I haven’t made it too long. Good luck!
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It’s fascinating stuff (there’s a reason I kept reading book after book – and it wasn’t because I thought I’d find a magic answer!) so I can quite understand getting carried away.
Although you never know when you might hear the (sort of, at least temporarily) magic answer. I’d say the jumping up and down one is the one that works the best for us. I would probably go full-on Dog Whisperer if it wasn’t taboo to use leashes for five year olds in most places!
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Who says? You can look through the reviews for the rousing endorsement from parents. A google image search for leashes for Children will give you a good idea. 😛
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No, trust me – I’d get shunned. I used one on him when he was three, but he’s not three any more!
Anyway, from a more practical standpoint, they get strong and clever enough to get out of them at some point. Same with strollers – oh for the days when I could strap him in and he didn’t know how to get out!
(My mother tells the story of me worming out of my harness when I was much younger than five – she was never able to keep me restrained either and says it must be genetic – usually with a special sort of smile that says, “Aha! I am finally getting my own back!”)
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Ah, that reminds me of a personal story.
A friend of mine went through something similar. A high flying girl she was. A type A personality. She got a medical PhD but decided she was too intense for the actual practice of medicine. She went into research, and got another master degree while she was at it. A fire cracker with laser like focus who believed she could do anything and didn’t need a guy with her. Well, I’ll spare you the details but she did get married in the end. Nice guy, smart and quiet. Anyway, she said she never wanted kids even if she did get married. Oops. I guess she was too busy or confident to believe that she would miss the pills. The biggest reason she didn’t want a kid is because she said her mother was terrible, in the sense that her mother was never really there, and had terrible parenting skills. She said she developed all her survival skills because she had to do everything herself. Independent, stubborn, competent, and sharp as a tack. It was a surprise when she kept the child. She told me it was a challenge for her. The greatest challenge in her life, to be a better mother than her own mother. We lost touch after a while, but I learned that she quite her job to be a parent. Shocking, it was.
After 3 – 4 years (not sure of the age of the boy at the time), I got a phone call 4 am in the morning out of blue. She was sobbing (quietly, like a whisper)on the phone. She realized that she was becoming more and more similar to her own mother in terms of parenting and couldn’t stop crying when she saw herself in the mirror that day. They had a car trip. The hubby was away for meeting out of town. He said they can wait until he gets back to take the trip. She, of course said she will be fine alone. One never knows what is the last straw in these things. I think it might be the tantrum in the backseat that almost caused her to have an accident into a ditch or tree somewhere. She blew her top. The whole works – yelling, screaming, threatening, banging on the steering and might be even stopping and shaking his baby seat. Then they stopped at a motel because it was too late. A unscheduled stop, irritation.., and delays, more irritation…, having to admit to his relatives that she might be late…, another dent in the bumper…
The kid was eventually too exhausted to continue after making a mess in the room while she was trying to feed him dinner. She left, and walked to get some smokes in the local shop, and had a puff first time ever since she was pregnant. Chain smoked half a pack, before she stopped, went back in, and tried to wash her face, then realized WTH she is doing, and how much she looked like her mother in the mirror.
Then I got the call. After 2 hours of describing what happened, I asked for the hubby’s number. I got him out of bed in the hotel, and had him cancel the meeting so he can pick up the kid. I booked her a ticket, and had her on a flight to see me that afternoon. The rest, is probably not important to the story.
Parenting and life is interesting like that. May you enjoy calm, cool and beautiful days.
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Gosh, sounds like she really hit the wall! The pressure to be perfect has a lot to answer for – she sounds like the sort of person who’s easily frustrated when she falls short, which is great in many ways but with a toddler it’s not always conducive to calmness and survival! Glad you could sort a few things out and hope she’s feeling better about the world these days.
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I’ve added the jumping one to the post, as we use it so much!
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Do you like Manga?
I was reminded of a cute manga series after looking over various posts in this blog (the meteorite + window incident for example).
The MC (main character) starts out as a 4 years old girl and the story is about her daily adventures after moving to a new neighbourhood in Japan with her dad. IIRC, the family used to live in Hawaii? I can’t remember all the details, but that’s not important. She is quite a handful, and her own dad’s description of her is that, “When you see a kid that you think, It’s such a weirdo! That’s my kid.” 😛 In the first chapter alone, she flies 3 – 5 feet through the air, lands in a (playing) sand pit, and dashes off.
http://www.batoto.net/read/_/5287/yotsubato_v1_ch1_by_momotato/1
Be careful of going out of the reader, since the site does have ratings 13 + – 17 + stuff on the site, but it does contain proper warnings. I would also stay away from the comments section, since it’s filled with spoilers. Oh, the community there is eccentric and short tempered, so I would be careful if you are interested in joining. 😉
Give it a shot, if you like this, I would recommend more.
Cheers!
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I’m not hugely into Manga, but I don’t mind it when I come across it. When you said it just then I thought oh yes, that could be a good idea, because I sort of vaguely think of Manga as being full of childhood angst, so that could help out. I’ll check the link (and heed your warnings 🙂 ) .
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Oh the math – wow, I am genuinely impressed! And excellent idea on nonverbal thanks-but-leave-me-the-heck-alone communication. I usually just avoid eye contact 🙂
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Too complicated for your holiday as well?
Avoiding eye contact is definitely neat and simple and therefore has much to recommend it. I guess the other mainly comes in handy if either you’re bugged by the staring or someone is trying to interact with you and it’s not helping (even though it may be well-intentioned). I might add that in, though.
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Too complicated for my holiday – and my life. But I bet my husband would appreciate a formula 😉
I had forgotten about staring (deplorable). It’s the worst on public transportation because neither person is going to leave until it’s their stop. That would be a good time to pull this out.
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Ah, true! It’s in those can’t-get-away situations it can get a bit much after a while.
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I go with the sympathetic non-judgemental approach, like smiling, using hands to indicate “what can you do?”, or offer to carry their parcels so they can pick up their screaming toddler and walk with them to their transport/partner or chair. Offering to hold the baby while they have a cup of coffee/wine. Apart from that I was never good at solving problems – especially problem children. But I do agree with consistency – kids feel happier if they know what your reaction will be.
PS I loved reading this post 🙂
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Glad you liked it and bless you for being sympathetic and non-judgemental. You rarely know what’s led to the moment you’re looking at – and this applies more widely than just parenting and children’s tantrums!
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I think we parent the same way to be honest, I was laughing at your pointers and thinking to myself I could of been a little calmer at times and instead of giving the death stare to onlookers who gawk at my freaking out toddler and me, I should of done the nap sign language he,hee!
Great post
I also love the ‘corner’ that works when they are out of control and need to calm down…there are corners everywhere
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Maybe we could team up and write the book on Australian-style parenting, which I’m sure is about to be the next parenting craze. We could call it, “She’ll Be Right!”.
The corner is a great idea. Whisking everyone off to a quiet spot so you can get on with your thing is great, and corners are more widely available than their room/your car/etc.
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I’ve added the corners tip, by the way!
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You are spot on with all these suggestions and points. I love this post. I am still relatively new at this mom thing, but I definitely in agreement about consistency.
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It probably is more than just a ploy to sell sequels. Glad your experience backs them up!
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As a Grandma I look back and realize that the most annoying group of people who thought they could bring up my children better than I was not so much the general public, but the group of relatives known as ‘the in-laws’. It wasn’t that my own relatives were any less critical. It was just that I knew them well enough not to be intimidated. One either ignored them or found a smart way of letting them know they should mind their own business. You knew they’d forgive you in the end.
On the whole my advice to you nice young things is; do not give into desperation, try to keep a cool head, forgive yourself when you stuff up and remember that 99.9% (I don’t actually have any stats here. It’s purely observation.) of us outgrow anti social behaviour so that by the time we are 21 past misdemeanours have become entertaining stories told at future family celebrations in order to embarrass us.
In conclusion, have fun everyone raising your kids, and my advice is just to ignore that lady in the supermarket with the 7 kids who never gave her any grief. Believe me – she’s either suffering early onset of Alzheimers or she’s lying through her teeth.
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To which I must immediately add: my in-laws are great, by the way! (Hi Nanny!)
That woman at the supermarket really stretched it a bit far, though. I think I told you the story. She was actually trying to complement *me* because we were having one of our good days but in fact she made me feel much worse, knowing that there were crazy biddies judging parents’ abilities if their children so much as teared up during a shop. She really should have just stopped at a smile and a short compliment and left off the long diatribe about how people whose kids throw tantrums from time to time are incompetent and probably also evil.
Wonder what she would have thought of the Tasmanian “meteor”?
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The universal “They Are Tired” gesture is definitely one we will add to our toolkit. Fortunately our meltdowns are largely confined to our car on long trips across the continent, but your advice will come in handy as we start to take the skies later in the year 🙂
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Ah, the car. It can definitely cushion against public reaction! The tired one is definitely useful for getting a bit of space if there’s not much else to be done.
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You are spot on. I agree that preparing (as in having all made up responses or rehearsed reactions) to the ‘culturally mainstream’ reactions of local onlookers would prevent further meltdown or uncontrollable rage on my part. Which is something I always fail to do when traveling back to France. By now, I should really not get offended when basically I am being judged as a underachieving parent because ‘my kids are a handful’ (dixit many many people I encountered last summer)! I am thinking of actually playing the ‘Asian nanny card’ and pretend not to understand…I am serious. DH would say that I have a very bitchy face when at rest or not smiling so people tend not to intrude anyway. xo
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LOL, I have often thought of pretending to be someone other than my child’s parents at key moments.
I’m actually keen to read more about this French parenting stuff (I think I’ve said that to you before). I’m sure it’s interesting from where I sit (i.e. not in France getting judged).
It’s fascinating to think about what your parenting choices say about your values. Sometimes I am aware that I’m my own worst enemy because the things I value are not always convenient to deal with in a child. For example, I once heard a parent say (quite loftily, I might add) that her goal was to teach her children that they should follow the rules *whether they agreed with them or not* and the only thing I could think was well, gosh, that’s the last thing I’d want to teach my kids. I’d rather they evaluate the rules on principles of justice (etc etc) and make a big noise to get the rules changed if need be.
But of course this is the sort of quality that’s admirable if the person’s taking a stand against Nazis in 1930’s Germany but a pain in the neck if the person’s a four year old who just saw the other kid get a longer turn on the swing, so tough call. I fully acknowledge that there’s a lot of circumstances under which it’s best to just shut up and follow the rules, whether you agree with them or not, even if they’re unfair, for what the argument’s worth.
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It’s always easier to start with a story were you are the helpful bystander: on the new years day we went to one of the adventure indoor playgrounds. I played with my son and 3-4 other kids (not known to me) joined us, the adults were chatting closeby. A big brother decided to play elsewhere and the adults followed him and forgot the about 1yo baby brother crawling around my feet. He was charming, chubby and smiley! I ran after the parents (obviously) and asked if they wanted toswap as I was about to have a 2yo throwing a loud tantrum when telling him we needed to go. They did want their own baby (surprise, no swapping kids say) but promised to be loud enough to distract the attention of the others off me and the screaming “I can/ I want” boy. Perfect teamwork, huh? 😉 Shit happens, to all of us, so support, help and encouragement among parents is what we need, not evil looks. But have to say it gets harder to know how to react and discipline the older they get and the more you expect them to know better!
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See? Constructive teamwork works well! I always suspected as much. 😉
Yeah, dealing with a tantrum is relatively easy compared to some of the later stuff. (Although I wasn’t thinking that earlier when P was safely at school and T was complaining bitterly (and for over an hour) because *her legs have grown and her trousers have not*.) It drives me crazy when they do things you expect them to know better about, that’s for sure.
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I feel I have just relived many years in your post 🙂 Thanks for the links- certainly I was no expert…other than in breathing deeply.
I may fall into a separate category of onlookers. Should I see a parent struggling with some screaming, wriggling small child I approach and offer my genuine “You are doing a great job and nothing is harder work than what you are dealing with now. My daughter was way louder than that…and we both lived.” Usually that gets a smile and certainly seems to distract the child for a second or two 🙂
Keep breathing, keep loving, keep smiling…albeit sometimes through gritted teeth. 🙂
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Let’s lump that under “helpful”, perhaps (just so it fits neatly into my triad 😉 ). It’s certainly a lovely thing to say and I’m sure it does help.
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