Tea and Coaxing: a Savage Journey into the Heart of my Writing Process
Part One
We were somewhere around bath time on the edge of a long day when the tiredness began to take hold. I remember saying something like, “I feel a bit lightheaded. I wish your father would get home…” And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around me and the living room was full of what looked like small dragons, all swooping and screeching and diving around the furniture, and going about a hundred miles an hour with their eyes closed. And a voice was screaming, “I said we’re spaceships! Not dragons!” Then it was quiet again.
My husband had reached the front door and was thinking of pouring a beer for himself, to facilitate the relaxation process. “What is everyone yelling about?” he muttered, staring up the hallway with his eyes half-closed in an expression of bland resignation. “Never mind,” I said. “It’s your turn for bedtime.” I scooped up my laptop and headed for the study. No point mentioning the dragon/spaceships, I thought. The poor bastard will deal with them soon enough.
2. An exchange of four tags across the internet
Earlier that week, I’d been sorting my email when I’d come across a tag for a blog tour. “It’s Christy, from Kids R Simple,” I told Æ, “and it’s my second tag.” The first had been from Jenny at And Three To Go, and I’d been meaning to get around to it ever since, but between the mad dash to Thailand by bus and train and a month of furtively popping M’n’Ms in the kitchen to buoy the school holiday spirits, a few things had fallen onto the back burner, and were now simmering languidly, releasing slow bursts of steam as they congealed into something that may or may not turn out to be readable.
Æ stared at his laptop for another moment, before suddenly coming to life. “Christy. She’s from Singapore, right? Two young kids.”
“Three.”
“Right! And she blogs about being a…”
“Full-time working mum.” He rubbed his chin and took a sip of his beer. “And Jenny lives in Phuket with her family, and we might have got to visit her except…”
“They recently got side-tracked to London on a work assignment. I met them all a few months back.”
A loud wail started up in the bedroom. “Probably tigers again,” said Æ. “I’ll deal with it.” And he stumbled into the darkness and immediately tripped over a toy box. I heard muted cursing. Then I saw him limp out to the kitchen to inspect his toe in the light, fill a pink water bottle, and tramp back through the living room. The wail continued intermittently in the background.
I took a long pull on my decaf. Then, “Why not?” I thought, and promptly decided I’d write the post, tagging Emily-Jane of The Years Of Stolen Sleep, and Aussa Lorens of Hacker Ninja Hooker Spy. If I could bottle one ounce of their writing skills, I’d drink it all in a shot. But tonight, I’d have to make do with a small glass of red, and two hours carved out of what should have been my sleep time.
3. The question of King Richard III… stories for my children… and a call to Grandma on Skype
The only way to keep alert on five hours of interrupted slumber is to do up a lot of caffeine – not all at once, but steadily, just enough to maintain the focus at ninety questions a minute past lunch time. I found myself dissecting King Richard The Third with my six-year-old as I set the paints out. “But if this was a known hazard of battle,” he was asking, “why didn’t he bring along a backup horse? He wouldn’t have needed to offer anybody his kingdom.”
“You have to remember a lot of these Shakespeare productions are abridged,” I answered blithely. “In the original version, it was a much more complicated scene which involved the loss of no fewer than five backup horses, the sixth having succumbed to the equine version of plague at at earlier point in the show. I’m an animal doctor you know,” I put in for good measure. “They teach us these things.” I took a sip of tea, but spat it straight out again: T had crept up and painted the rim of my cup.
“Well, if I ever ride into battle with a sword, I’m going to bring seven backup horses. And mum? What does ‘hazard’ mean?”
For the next couple of hours, I desperately tried to grab small fragments of headspace through the gaps I’d created in my workload by outsourcing most of my housekeeping, and letting the kids play a few too many educational apps “because it’s the holidays”. By four I was skyping my mother to discuss her views on the stories I’d written for P, based on Camilla’s suggestion. “Is it subtle? I want to be subtle,” I insisted. It was extremely important, I felt, for my intentions to be made absolutely clear. “I mean it’s not too subtle?”
“Ooh, what have you got there?” she cooed back, looking past me at a Decepticon which had appeared in the frame of my video. But instead of an answer she got a sudden shot of the fan, followed by a bouncing view of our ceiling. I shouted, “Stop it! Get down from there! You’re going to break something!” and a hissing noise started up in the background, followed by a scream. “You’re doing it on purpose! Muu-uuuummm!” And I could sense the ugly vibrations emanating out of the room and across the airwaves, halfway round the world though this little pocket-sized portal I carried.
“Tea. I need tea,” I murmured, swimming back into view of the camera.
My mother just laughed. It was a weird, crazy laugh – half mirth, half gloating vengeance. But I couldn’t accuse her of that without bringing a host of savage allegations against me, and of course I’d never be able to take the stand in my own defense. “Your Honour,” she’d say. “I’d like to point out that this is the child who once goaded her sisters into a slow-eating Easter egg competition, offered to ‘loan’ them her eggs when their will to resist their own grew weak, and then, after she’d finished hers and as the others were about to polish off theirs, called in all her ‘loans’ and ate them, with relish, in the front kitchen, as the younger ones raged empty-handedly.”
There was no other way to cope with it. I propped the iPad on the coffee table so Grandma could watch as T crooned The Blood Mobile, and left the room to scrabble desperately in the pantry for my loose-leaf vanilla chai. “Ah,” I said, as I felt its warmth surge into my body. Then, “Turn up the music!” I shouted. “I feel like doing the alligator!”
4. “One should always be drunk … With wine, with poetry, or with virtue, as you please. The child […] is always ‘drunk'” —Charles Baudelaire
Every now and then you run up on one of those days when everything’s in vain… a stone bummer from start to finish; if you know what’s good for you, on days like these you sort of hunker down in a safe corner and watch. Maybe read a bit. Lay back on a cheap second-hand couch, screened off from traffic, and shrewdly click open five or eight blog posts… try to get into a book, eat a nut-butter sandwich, and finally, toward evening, slurp up half a tub of Ben and Jerry’s, then corner your husband for a chat.
“Why am I writing all this?” I asked Æ.
“Because Sunday travel sections bore you?” I recalled a few articles, or rather I tried to recall them, but gave up when I remembered I’d never made it through to the middle, let alone the end. It’s a marketable formula – I’ll admit that; my page views will never compare. Yet I trawl without end through the internet for obscure writers who capture what those articles lack, then I write in the hope that one day my work has that thing, and somebody out there reads it, too. If it happens, I suppose I’ll spend every day hence sitting over the piece, paranoid and delirious, trying to pin down exactly what’s different about it; what makes it work; makes it throb… veering manically between the elation of having nailed it and the anxious doubt of ever being able to do it again.
“I don’t know how to describe my writing process,” I say. “I’m not sure I have one. Mostly I sit in front of the computer drinking tea and/or wine, getting interrupted, and coming back to delete every word I’ve typed until some randomness pulls it into shape. A blog comment, say, or some post. A chance exchange on the street. An unfortunate turn of events; something shouted at me in anger; a long-lost memory from when I was eight; or a single, perfect sentence, which belongs about two-thirds of the way down. Even then it rarely falls together unless I spend long hours editing my way down this metaphorical interstate, hopping from metaphorical rest stop to metaphorical rest stop, putting scant dribbles of metaphorical petrol in the metaphorical tank; trying to ignore a growing sense of monotony as I stock up on very much non-metaphorical iced coffees and kit kats to keep me going across the vast distance between first draft and final.”
I turned in my seat to face him, slopping milk onto the coffee table. Was Æ gritting his teeth?
“Yep,” he said, drily. “I should probably start calling you Hunter S.” And I stopped, held up my finger abruptly, and left the room. “Not coming to bed then?” How could I? By the time I reached my computer my heart was full of joy. I felt like the blogging reincarnation of Horatio Alger… a writer with muse, just irrational enough to be totally confident.
—-
Thanks (and apologies) go to my unwitting co-author Hunter S Thompson, whose work is sampled repeatedly in the above post.
This is part of a blog tour on writing process. I was tagged separately by Jen at And Three To Go, who describes her process here, and Christy at Kids R Simple, who describes her process here.
Somewhere up there are my answers to the four questions: Why do you write what you do? What are you working on right now? How does your work differ from others in its genre? How does your writing process work?
I’m tagging two awesome people (as your blogger, I advise you to strap in):
The first is Emily-Jane of The Years Of Stolen Sleep, who (apart from being a professional journalist and Huffington Post contributor) is just a lot more awesome than anyone should be when they’re blogging from under the bed with their smart phone, having convinced their toddler to play a nice game of hide and seek. Read Emily-Jane’s response: How To Work From Home When You Have Babies Who Won’t Leave You The Hell Alone.
The second is the enormously-popular Aussa Lorens of Hacker.Ninja.Hooker.Spy, who is also a stalker, and, possibly, a murderer.
The post Tea and Coaxing appeared first at Journeys of the Fabulist.
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i love this…..really you are very inspiring blogger….
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Thanks. (Blushing.) 🙂
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Rich and funny and beautiful. Thank you!
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Thank you. Recognise any of the techniques? 😉
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I just adored this post and was so frustrated I couldn’t get online to tell you earlier. “That single perfect sentence that belongs about two thirds of the way down” Ahhhhhhhhhhhh….sigh…..yesssssssssssss. Beautifully done xxx
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You’ve done it too! I can tell. Sometimes there’s just one very clear sentence and this soupy-fog-shaped piece of writing all around it.
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Eh. I really to rest more. In all ways.
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I definitely get that – you don’t want the highway rest stop so much as the actual motel 🙂
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And I can’t even relax in the dang motel. Worry and take my own sheets along.
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Haha!
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I, for one, am so glad I have 16 oz. of your writing bottled on my blog. And so were my readers.
Love the metaphorical rest stops.
Thoroughly enjoyable post, B. And you did not do yourself justice. You produce with more panache than you claim. =)
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Thanks once again for the opportunity! And for your flattering words 🙂
I’m sure you recognise the metaphorical rest stops well!
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Woah, you are quite a brilliant writer! This process is working for you 🙂 Our writing process is similar in the fact that your kiddy interruptions much resemble mine. However, the product I produce compared to this page here is leagues above what I can achieve.
Looking forward to you Magnum Opus, mama xo
PS: On a completely note, do you think JetPack is ridiculously slow? I love this commenting system but found it to be such a drag….!?
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Thanks! Yes, I think most parents who try to write (and/or do stuff in general) will recognise the process. Not sure if an Opus is going to happen, under the circumstances!
I don’t know much about jetpack specifically – I just use the stuff wordpress.com supplies.
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I think you are on your way to becoming a superstar.
Oh no worries about the JetPack, it looks good might swap over again.
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Such fun and articulated writing. Where do you get all the creativity from? Thanks for sharing your writing process. It’s was indeed quite a journey.
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From talking to my husband, apparently. (Mental note: keep doing that.) Glad you had fun reading 🙂
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Trying to describe my writing process is an exercise in futility. However, I find that it’s in those awkward moments–like scrambling to get a seat on a bus–that ideas choose to make themselves known. I go quite adept at writing my notes on my smartphone while standing up on the bus LOL
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That is a skill in itself! (Your writing process post, should you do one, needs to focus on how to do that.)
It is funny what sort of events spark ideas, and then some ideas are good enough to write themselves out fairly smoothly – every once in a while, that is.
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I loved this peek into your life ad pysche. It’s such a difficult question: describe your writing process. I wonder how many writers actually have a “process?” My days are often spent like yours, wishing I had the time/energy/gumption to feel inspired and productive when all I can really manage is to crawl onto the couch and veg out.
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That happens to me so often. Chocolate and caffeine can only take you so far.
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Whatever your writing process, I love your finished product 🙂 I love your blog and your style and am very jealous.
I also write hoping that I am writing something that will be of use to someone at some point and usually focus on the information I know that I wanted but couldn’t find. If only it was easier for people to find the better things I write though! I often find it a bit discouraging how my most popular posts are the ones that perform well in google or pinterest for no good reason and aren’t really that good. Oh well, the joy of blogging 🙂
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That is endlessly frustrating for me as well. The ones you think are best/worked hardest on just don’t grab the attention the way you think they should next to others which just… what? No idea.
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Brilliantly written. Who cares if your page views compare? Your style is unique, your creativity fascinating.
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It’s easy to get sucked into the page views. I think you have to be clear what your goals are. I get why and how websites can get more page views using other styles.
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If this is what you come up with when you’re exhausted, how much more if there’s a freeze button for kids! 🙂
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You know, I think the pressure helps. If I had nothing to do all day except write stuff, it’d probably all be drivel. Or non-existent.
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Great post – loved the insight!! Also loved the Easter egg story, that is impressive and creative!
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I actually ran that scam more than once, too. I was this primary school aged Easter egg loan shark.
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Dragons and similar stuff are tolerable. Just don’t buy the kids a toy drum set! lol
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I saw drum sets marked down to half price in the toy shop a couple of years ago and I thought that was the funniest thing ever. Still waiting for someone else to see it with all the hilarity I did…
I keep hearing you “just” have to put a towel over the top of the drum and it’ll all be fine and I’m sure there are kids out there who operate like that but seriously – how many arguments over towels do I want to have, really? I could be ok with certain types of small hand-drums.
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(You should let me know if I’m wrong about the hand drums, by the way.)
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By the way, I think the phrase – the cat sat on the mat – may have been used before so best not to use it again.
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That would cross the line from “fair use” to “plagiarism”?
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Wow – when you were small I used to dream that one day you’d take out the Miles Franklin award. I never saw you as a blogger. As your Mum I’d think your writing was A1 even if you wrote the phrase – the cat sat on the mat. With that in mind, it’s extra special for me to note that others enjoy your writing. Makes me want to have a little cry (sob).
You know my thoughts on Richard III. The man was definitely framed. You must enlighten P on this or at least give him a chance to chew it over. I reckon Henry’s Mum was behind it all. Shakespeare had to make Richard the villain otherwise royalty would have shut down The Globe.
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Obviously I should have skyped you earlier in the conversation so you could discuss your Richard-based conspiracy theories with P leaving me to guard my teacup from T’s paintbrush.
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Ha! Very funny! Wish us both luck blogging through the summer holidays. I’ve thought about calling a summertime time-out, but have yet to succumb to the temptation as it seems there is always something to write about. And it keeps us sane too, right?
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Well, look. There’s a lot to be said for a summer hiatus. I guess it depends if it’s still fun or if it gets to feeling like a horrible chore on top of all the other chores (in which case you’d better have some serious motive for pushing through). Keeping sane sounds like a very laudable pursuit.
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My answer may be a slight cut back and possible substitution of writing with comics and photos (hence the running route photo tour!). I obviously require more sleep than you!
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Don’t you also have, like, a whole international relocation to organise or something? Or that’s pretty much all in a day’s work for you these days?
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Lol, I can just imagine the chaos while you were trying to write all these. I wonder how did my mum cope with all 4 of us back then. I can tell you we were super loud…haha….:)
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She probably had an enormously good filter and/or a very good relationship with friends/relatives/the school/etc. Two is already loud and chaotic enough for me…
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Unique writing process, Bronwyn. Let’s see. to replicate this process one would need two kids, a husband, a degree in veterinary medicine (How many horses did it take?), a recent trip in Asia with all the aforementioned, a familiarity with Hunter S., a vivid imagination, wine, a supply of contraband dark chocolate, an abode in Singapore, a cat, a bedroom full of helium balloons, a myriad of blogger friends, and a plethora of other conditions. Sooo, what are the chances that someone will reproduce this? Bwhahahaha! I bet you feel pretty safe revealing your process, Bronwyn.
Love the story of the warhorses and P’s response. Ha! They brought so many horses they starved to death (no room for human food, only horse food).It’s kinda like the space rocket problem – add 10 pounds of cargo and it takes about 8000 pounds of fuel to get it up to space. (current rockets with load are 4.5 million lbs on take-off with payload of 53,600 lbs).
Great post Bronwyn. Thank you.
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Ok, I am just kicking myself now because that would have made so much sense to him, what with all his space travel interests, and also “supply chain” is one of the first things to consider in warfare (isn’t it? it’s about the only one of I know so I’m assuming…).
Wow. Yes. No backup horses because supply chain. I am totally going to revise my answer to him when he gets home from school. See what I mean about riffing off comments from the internet? Suddenly it seems so clear.
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Savage indeed, complete with wee beasties, intoxicating brews, and a vengeful mother. It’s amazing you write a word, much less a hilarious essay. All I have to contend with is a loving wife who is supportive 99.2% of the time. Of course there is the lizard who thinks my big toe is something to mate with, but I guess that goes with country life. –Curt
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You know I’m reading your comment and all I can think of is that scene in Fear And Loathing where he’s out of his head and he thinks he’s surrounded by huge reptiles, but I think you’re talking about an actual, real lizard. And are not out of your head.
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🙂 I was sitting in one of my writing spots yesterday that looks out on the backyard. My feet were resting on the windowsill. Suddenly a lizard poked his head up above the window sill from outside, inches away. I wiggled my toes at him. I wish I could have video taped what happened next. The lizard lizard begin dancing… I don’t know how else to describe it. He bounced up and down, weaved in and out and then stopped, like he was waiting expectantly for me. So I wiggled my toes again and he repeated the performance. It definitely interfered with my writing process. LOL –Curt
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But it made such a good story!
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Still pretty good.Grin. I am sure it was a mating ritual. I am not sure my toes would have been so brave had we been on the same side of the window. LOL
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I love the way you write and express yourself. I see your personality through your writing. Hopefully, someday we will meet when our travels around the world collide.
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Give us a shout! You’re always zipping about. Bound to come through Singapore sooner or later.
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I love that this is still touring. I did it a while ago and enjoy reading everyone’s reflections and answers. But boy is it sweat-inducing trying to provide legitimate responses to such probing questions 🙂
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It’s definitely survived well – owing, no doubt, to the fact it’s genuinely interesting to hear how others are doing it. I remember reading yours. I’m glad you sweated a bit – your answers were definitely worth hearing and as I recall you tagged a couple of great bloggers as well.
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Your style is immaculate, love the way you sucked me into reading this! You tagged good bloggers too!
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Is yours up yet? I know you got tagged at the same time, but I didn’t see it in my reader when I went to bed last night (I’ll go check instead of having you answer that one I suppose).
I certainly did tag a couple of good bloggers. (There were lots of good bloggers to choose from, of course.) I’ll be very much looking forward to hearing how they do it.
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I love how you wrote this– you totally made it your own and did what you wanted with the format. I will probably follow your guidance on that! It was also nice to get a better glimpse not only into your writing process but also your world in general.
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Will be waiting eagerly to see what you do with it. I guess there’s an extent to which writing process is always bound up in the world in general, but answering the questions did reveal how much of a collaborative process it really is. (Notice I’m using the word “collaboration” there, rather euphemistically in some ways.)
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Wow, what an adventure you find in writing! Haha!! Love the way you spun the blog hop!
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It does seem like an adventure now I’ve written that out. Funny – beforehand I thought of it as more of a pain in the neck. The power of spin!
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My god, I don’t know how you get a single word out! The chaos!
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It’s a battle. Getting a word in is another, related battle.
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Loved this! Thanks for participating… I feel like I need some wine while writing my posts from now on… Maybe that will get the posts going easier. 🙂
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Well I can’t advocate heavy alcohol consumption in a family-friendly forum, of course. Have you tried getting drunk on poetry?
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Poetry has never been my bag as much a good red. 🙂 haha… I have enjoyed poetry while drunk (a long time ago of course).
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I think a long line of poets have seen it that way as well 🙂
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So creative! This must be the most interesting writing process blog in the blogosphere! Can imagine the countless times that your thoughts have been disturbed! Chocolate at late nights not too advisable though. Oh, your hubby reads my blog, that’s nice to know. Or probaby you told him about all the blogs you have read? Haha.. Kel certainly doesn’t read any except for his Chinese internet novels.
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Mainly Æ hears the bits I read out to him, or tell him about. He does other stuff on the internet (we often swap stories from our online “travels”).
Yes, chocolate. It is a stimulant, so as far as sleep goes, should be in the same basket as coffee or tea. But you know how it is 😉
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I am referring to the weight gain aspect of chocolate. Will be totally guilty for me ; p
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Oh! Yes, right. But did you know that if it has enough cocoa solids in it (about 85% from memory?) it actually helps to prevent cancer! As does red wine. Which is why I like to drink red wine and eat dark chocolate whenever possible, for one reason alone – because it’s healthy 😛
Of course being fat increases your risk of cancer…
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OK, now I have a good excuse to indulge in chocs! I’ll just have to take care to balance up with some digestion tea maybe 🙂
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Tea was also in my foods that fight cancer book so it’s a good plan!
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Let’s open a choc n tea kids friendly cafe!
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Ooh! Now there’s an idea… But how do we keep the kids away from the chocolate?? 🙂
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Haha.. plenty of play area or crafts to keep them away from the mummies table!
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Yes! Good. And maybe to be on the safe side we can have a broccoli-scented zone between the mums area and the play area, too.
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Excellent!
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I love this! I cannot promise to be even half as articulate and funny as this when I write mine but it should be fun to do! Wine and coffee… essential tools for any writer.
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And chocolate. (Or am I doing that bit wrong?)
Can’t wait to hear yours. Love your writing.
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Chocolate works for me, but only if the kids are in bed. If they clock the stuff it is game over!
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Yes! True. The worst thing is they seem to be getting better and better at sniffing out my stashes. Safest thing these days is to buy it from the service station after they’re already asleep and try to eat it all (and safely dispose of the wrappings) before their first unscheduled evening wakeup.
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Yes, they can sniff out contraband a mile off. I have started cleaning my teeth after indulging in case they smell it on my breath…
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Haha – sounds like the kind of trick a high school student would employ after smoking behind the bike shed.
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Yes, it is one I knew well! The good old days…ha
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Well let’s hope your kids don’t cotton on to that teacher’s trick of sniffing for minty toothpaste breath instead.
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You my friend are incredibly creative, exhausted but creative. Love how you put a spin on the virtual blog tour.
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Well, and Hunter S, of course. I think I bordered on the official definition of plagiarism here (which is very much not my process – why would you bother?) but I think I squeaked in under “parody”.
Right?
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You gave full and frequent credit my friend. No plagiarism to be found. 🙂
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One vote for “fair and reasonable use”!
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I’m so loud I think my vote should count for 2. 🙂
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Two votes! (More than happy to bump that total up.)
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