I May Have Overshot A Little (Travelling Anywhere With Sensitive Children)
It’s not a secret we’ve had to deal with a rigid and sensitive traveller – one who suffers culture shock badly, finds it hard to sleep in strange places, and refuses foreign foods. It’s been hard work. We’ve questioned our judgement, and our motives, and our sanity.
So in the week of P’s sixth birthday, I’m taking a chance to reflect on how it’s all gone. Do I think we’ve make the right choices? Done the right things? Have our methods worked, and if so, where have they got us (apart from Singapore, Malaysia, Cambodia, Japan, India, Australia…)?
The truth, I believe, is we can only take partial credit for anything we’ve done – a lot of what’s happened is through the hands of mother nature. As all babies yearn to roll, chew, and walk, so we keep growing through our lives into independently-minded three-year-olds, angsty teens, risk-hungry twenty-somethings, boring, work-a-day thirty-five-year-olds, and – if we’re lucky – flourishing seniors, enjoying our “second childhood” (as my Grandmother used to put it, before she embarked on what she now calls her third).
But this post is about what we can take credit for; what we’ve learned about travelling and relocating with a sensitive youngster; and where we’re at now. I’m going to sum it all up for you, in points.
And I’ll try, very hard, not to cry. Because the thing is, you see, we may have overshot a little.
Techniques For Travelling With Sensitive Children
We have tricks in three categories: push them just enough, nurture problem-solving skills, and take time to reflect. The key revelation for me is that most of the work happens at home.
1. Push them just enough
We haven’t restricted ourselves to theme parks and all-inclusive resorts (not that we’re averse), and the more challenging the destination, the harder we’ve had to work to make sure our kids can handle it. We want to stretch them, but not so much they snap.
Planning with an eye to these four meltdown triggers has worked out more often than not, and when not, I’ve successfully lied to onlookers in mime whilst fantasising about getting sarcastic.
2. Nurture problem-solving skills
I believe every day we spend nurturing these skills makes it easier for us to travel, and that in the long term we’ll help build something greater than the sum of our efforts. From toys, to games, to unorthodox trips by bus around Singapore using a dice for navigation, we’ve tried a whole range of stuff and we’re always open to suggestions.
Two tools travel best: the first is running, jumping, and catching. Activities which require exercise and physical coordination have succeeded where breathing and meditation have failed. They get P’s mind ready for tool number two, which was given me by a psychologist friend and fellow-parent: ask, don’t tell. She puts her young kids “on the couch” so often I sometimes wonder if she ever says anything to them that isn’t punctuated with a question mark.
But I can testify to the value in asking P to dig deep into the basis of his concerns or create solutions to hypothetical problems that are unlikely to occur, rather than trying to dissuade or reassure him from the outside. At the very least, it fills in time on the plane.
3. Take time to reflect
Those endless, blurry photos are good for more than just boring people. They help me harness my inner Jedi to retrospectively create positive or useful memories out of pretty much anything that’s happened, no matter how traumatising, so we can face the next journey with confidence.
It’s worth reinforcing the good memories, of course, but my favourite trick is turning stories about ill-advised trips to inaccessible river onsens into tales of triumph against the snow and/or a powerful urge to kill each other, possibly by driving off a cliff.
In hindsight, anything can be worth it. I’m sure (with or without my editorial oversight of the comments) the rest of the family will agree.
Failing that, it’s empowering just to learn stuff for next time.
How far we’ve come, and may go
P’s six now, and no longer a clingy boy constantly crying to be hugged and carried. It’s been a while since he tried to escape from kindergarten to find me, and sometimes he even sleeps in his own bed.
Over the past year, he’s independently tackled his jellyfish concerns, and attempted to create a positive story out of an unfortunate event.
On the eve of his birthday, he sat in the bathtub, gently swooshing his hands through the water as he stared thoughtfully at nothing at all.
We were silent. Then: “Mum, I know it’s a long way to Mars. It takes two years to get there. And once you’re there, you can’t just get something sent up if you need it – you have do look after yourself on your own. Also, Skype takes sixteen minutes. Per message! But-” and here he switched his gaze to watch me from the corner of his eye – “I want to do it. I’ve decided I wanna take the risk.”
For a moment I just nodded, wondering if it’s what I was aiming for. P turned to face me square on. “I’m serious, Mum.”
And I said, “I believe you.”
—
Other stuff I’ve written about travel with sensitive children.
Read more tips for travelling with kids.
The post I May Have Overshot appeared first at Journeys of the Fabulist. and was shared as part of the Discover And Explore Link Party – Preparing for Family Trips.
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I love your blog more and more and I uncover these little details. I also have a “sensitive” child or whatever the label is, I tend to go for “anxious”. Big congrats on the leaps and bounds forward! You and yours are an inspiration. Mmmwah xo
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Yes, sensitive, anxious – it’s a label that seems to cover a variety of causes (there’s been work on defining “Highly Sensitive Children” more clearly and thinking about what is physically/neurologically different but for practical purposes you know that some kids are more easily overwhelmed, at any rate).
I think to an extent all young children are sensitive, so I imagine a range of young children might respond to similar techniques, it’s just some will have to work a lot harder at them than others.
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A week after I read this post, there was a moment when we had to “stretch” our son. And amazing things started to happen after that incident! I wrote a post about it last night and quoted you. Thanks for the inspiration!
http://wp.me/p41dUq-6E
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Thanks – I read your post and it’s very touching. Glad you found something in this one and thanks for linking back.
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Ugh, having trouble commenting at your site – I’ll try again in the morning!
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Awesome post. You are so right about all of it and so beautifully written. Thanks.
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Thanks, I’m glad you like it. Obviously we still have our moments, but I think he’s really growing up.
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This is beautiful! I had a big stupid smile on my face and a big lump in my throat when I got to the end. My little boy is also adjusting nicely to change. We moved to Singapore a year ago; new country, new school, new baby brother… He is not the same little boy he was a year ago. He has grown immensely! By the way I also considered catching one of the double-deckers (cause my son loves them) and just go where the bus takes us. The dice is a nice touch 🙂
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Oh! I was just over at your blog reading a post written at a lower point. Glad he’s adjusting nicely – what you’re doing is obviously working out for him.
You should do the bus thing. It’s such a safe city for that type of exercise.
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Bron – what a great post. We constantly walk a parenting tightrope and have decided that, with a very anxious kid we can’t be nearly as intrepid as we would like. Things get more complicated with two completely opposite child personalities to deal with. One of my boys wants, bells, whistles and Disneyland every day, the other wants to play in the dirt all day every day. Never sure if we get it right.
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Yes, it’s definitely a balance and one of the reasons we sometimes split up on holiday – while one person’s busy getting overwhelmed, the next person’s getting bored. You definitely have to think hard about how to balance it so as not to push anyone too far.
We sometimes get it wrong without a doubt (you know those *very* obvious times), but hopefully overall we don’t do too badly.
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I’m hoping to gain insights for my two octogenarians that are, without doubt, entering (to be honest, are fully immersed in) their third childhood. A child is a child.
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The main difference I’ve noticed between my children and my Grandmother is she’s *even less* inclined to listen. So… good luck… I guess you might be able to try a couple of post-hoc Jedi mind tricks and asking rather than answering (especially that one) although I’m not sure about the pushing them in advance. Be sure to report back on how things went! 🙂
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P. sounds as if he’s turning into a great kid! (Not that he wasn’t always. But you know what I mean.) And yes, you certainly can take credit. Also an awesome amount of credit for linking to so many useful and well-thought out prior posts and weaving them together into a beautifully organized and interesting piece. Well done! (Also many thanks for the visit, and the two “likes.” :D)
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I had replied with a very intelligent comment and it just went into the ether. (This is basically a disclaimer in case I can’t make a decent reply the second time around.)
Yes! Yes. This has been a culmination of a number of efforts, some of which I’d touched on previously, so it felt good to tie them all together in one place.
And I reading enjoyed your blog last night. Thanks for writing out your thoughts.
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Very nice post. And thanks for opening my mind a little. I tend to forget that some people do suffer from culture shock or the likes. I know a kid that wasn’t sociable, not talkative or approachable. When her mom put him on a Day Care, that’s when he became alive, more assertive and approachable. Kind of like what you mentioned here. Instead of avoiding or pampering, expose the kids to what they are afraid or lack or in need to adjust. In some sort too, experience really is the best teacher. Once again, very nice post.
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Yes! Definitely experience can be the best teacher, and it’s good to learn. The tricky thing is finding the right balance – working out which bits are important to teach and which things to let go, and then trying to bring them step by step instead of throwing them in at the deep end where they might drown.
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That is some urge to wander you have instilled there!! You must feel so proud (when you are done wiping your tears and swallowing that lump in your throat)! Really, “anything is worth it” in the end. Great job Bronwyn 🙂
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Ah, thanks, especially on a night like tonight – it was not one of our most stellar days with the kids (I’m sure you can understand what I mean). Two steps forwards one backwards? It’s good to have you bring me back to this post this evening, anyway.
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We definitely can relate to all of your tips, having experienced first hand that most of the rest does not work. Our recent airplane trip definitely inspired much anxiety. Talking through things in advance and watching some Youtube videos went a long way. We’ll be ready for our six-year reflection with our middle five in just a few months; if we happen to pull from some of your tricks, we hope you see it as flattery (and not plagarism).
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I know I’m not the first to ever think of them. I should probably pause to credit a couple of my sources, actually.
Books that influenced me:
Raising Your Spirited Child (Mary Sheedy Kurcinka)
The Brain That Changes Itself (Doige)
The Explosive Child (Greene – on collaborative problem solving techniques)
and of course my friend the psychologist 🙂 .
Let me know (I mean, hopefully I’ll see it, but sometimes I miss things) when your post goes up – I’d love to read your take/see if there’s any new ideas/etc.
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Your children are lucky to have you and your husband for parents. Such wonderful travel opportunities and looks at different cultures. They will grow up to be well adjusted adults. If I’m not mistaken, I think the plan is for the first Mars voyage to be one way. Whatever, it is still an amazing dream for a young person. Even if admitting it gives your mother a chance to leverage it to get things done her way. Ha!
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Yes, he’s been telling everyone he’ll be going one way. I’m not sure how well-adjusted it makes the group of us sound… but anything could happen yet, so we’ll see. At this point, I think P might know more about it than I do, so I defer to his judgement.
Still working on leveraging it properly. Reality is falling short of my visions.
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I have no doubt that you’ve balanced this all very well. You’ve given your child something special that will last a lifetime– inner resources that will be useful here or on Mars. 🙂
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Utterly glorious and the prize you’ve seriously earnt xxxxx
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Bam! Well done! Who knows, years down the road, maybe P will want to live overseas.
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Mars? I think you have come a long way…you guys have given your kids a rocking good start to their lives. I applaud you
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He’s still got a couple of years to change his mind, of course.
Oh! I wonder if I look up a cost estimate for a mission to Mars (surely this info is out there?) whether I could get him to do all the housework for, like, ever more?
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Yeah…good luck with that! He might be the one to make the first successful voyage!?
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Well, at least the kitchen would be clean when the paparazzi roll in for the interviews…
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I hate to tell you, Max cleaned everything when he was younger…hated a mess, and then he turned 8!
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Ooh. Classic pre-teen stereotype?
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I think you are a fab mum! I wouldn’t say that these techniques are for sensitive kids. I would think they apply to many young kids. P, from all your sharing of travelogues, seems to be such a mature young lad! I like the story on breaking the window especially and also the travelling to India. Most mums wouldn’t even imagine India as a destination with young kids in tow. Maybe not even for mums themselves. So, I think P is really handling everything well. I am sure he will come to appreciate these “training” to adjust to culture and circumstances. Great stories to brag in future 🙂
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Loving this- it is very inspiring and gives me strength to travel overseas again for when our finances are better. My husband and I have always been keen travelers and our recent sedimentary life sometimes makes me sad. Can’t wait for new out of comfort adventures. Nurturing problem solving really speaks to me although I must admit I have not done very well so far and have a tendency to lose patience and just get things done rather than let them handle the situation (like intervening when they punch each other or caving when they are begging for help with puzzles made for 10 month old babies). You really have nerves of steel !!! Xo
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You’ll be on the road as soon as you can get there, I’m sure.
Yes, it’s really tempting to step in and do things for them. I have to say I’ve had a lot more patience with the “ask, don’t tell” procedure – sitting back and watching without doing anything is quite hard, but just being able to ask questions seems to ease it a lot. “What happened there? How did such and such respond? Why do you think that was?” etc.
Seriously, you should see this friend of mine in action, she just questions her kids all day. It’s brilliant.
Although I admit even there I’ve been slipping with it more recently and probably needed this reminder.
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Aw, wow, turning 6! From all of his incredible bits of knowledge and creative questions, I would’ve thought he was much older. I think you’ve done a fine job because you’ve worked through the struggles and found a way that works for your family. You haven’t stayed at home on the couch. You’re still exploring – and your son just upped your game 🙂
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Yes, I’m not sure how I feel about going to Mars. He has since suggested we could all move there one day to live permanently.
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That would make Skype calls less problematic.. provided of course that you take your entire family and friends with you.
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That made me want to cry. I hope my little boy gets there one day. He is already getting better about traveling, but mostly to places he’s used to (like NJ to see his grandparents). I hope he learns to embrace new cultures and trips as much as I do. You did a great job with P. Congratulations.
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I’m sure he will – and he’s not so much younger than P. A big part of it is just growing up into a more self-controlled and adventurous stage of life.
Still, you know, I made that comment about crying to be picked up and carried and before the day was out he’d begged to be picked up and carried so he’s not quite ready to take off into the great void just yet 🙂 .
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What a wonderful post. You’ve learned so much and given your kids so much. Congrats! (I can’t wait to read your travel tips for Mars.)
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Not only are we still researching tips on travelling to Mars, but the human race, collectively, is still on a steep part of the learning curve there. Still, it’d be good to be amongst the first to summarise decades of scientific endeavour into a twelve-point listicle titled “Twelve Things You Should Know About Visiting The Red Planet”.
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Now that’s awesome! Talk about a complete turn around from the beginning to now! That’s kinda awesome! Now you get to take “practice” trips to different destinations so he can practice the long trip to Mars!
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Yes, and the best bit is the first travellers there will need to be excellent at so many everyday skills, like not provoking their sisters into fits of unchecked rage, because there’s nobody to police you on Mars, you know. This could go a long way.
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Now that’s taking independence to the nth degree. We’re lucky they’re not signing up 6 year olds just yet.
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Yeah, I think the earliest predictions are for 2020, so he’ll be twelve by then. A much more sensible age for going to Mars.
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The story of our trip to the River Onsen has become one of my favourite travel tales. It’s quite weird how something you thought would be just a minor travel experience overshadows what you imagined would be the most memorable.
Thanks for the picture you painted of Phil in his bathtub planning his trip to Mars. I felt I was there. In fact I’m sure I could smell the perfume from the bubble bath. There was bubble bath – right? Can’t help but wonder if Stephen Fry knows that it takes Skype 16 minutes to reach Mars. He’s never mentioned it on QI to my knowledge.
I look forward to reading P’s poetry from Mars. Wordsworth and his daffodils would be gob-smacked! Does he plan to gather scientific data as well while he’s there?
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It’s actually eight minutes either way – so a sixteen-minute round trip from statement to reply.
I think the plan is to work by day and write poetry during down-times. You know that astronaut last year who spent his down-time recording a cover version of Space Oddity *in space*? Sort of that idea.
(I knew the Kiriake Springs trip was worth it.)
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Very sweet story. These little people are full of surprises. Maybe the two of you can stage and film a faked Mars landing?
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You mean like the world-famous faked moon one? 😉
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Exactly
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Excellent. I’m looking forward to the next generation’s blog from Mars.
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Well this week I set up a sub-account on twitter for him. Basically a list to follow (including NASA, Curiosity – well, you get the idea) under my own account. He’s enjoying it – he’ll be a fully-fledged member of the twitterati in no time.
Maybe next week I’ll have to set up a blog, because apparently he told his father he wants to write poetry from Mars – you know, in his long, isolated evenings.
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We need a guest post from your son when he’s ready.
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Lovely lovely lovely. I love your look back and can say that having met P was really a joy. He is such a smart and fun boy. You both have done very well.
🙂 happy birthday to P!
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Oh gosh, he was being a bit difficult that day, too. But Chad had him pegged – showing off! So you and Z will be ok with that type of thing 🙂
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What wonderful opportunities you have given P to grow. You made me feel quite reflective as well as my daughter turns 4 this week (on Sunday, although I guess that’s technically next week! They don’t share a birthday?!). The time certainly flies.
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Happy birthday! Not quite the same date, but pretty close.
Time does fly. I bet you’re noticing big changes as well now with four years to look back on.
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Bronwyn your post tugs at my heart. P is growing up into a young man and you and your husband have gently guided him on the path…without driving over the cliff:) Well done Super Mom!
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Well, I admit we’ve got frustrated and yelled and punished and stamped our feet plenty of times, too – I didn’t focus on that bit because it hasn’t really worked out as well. 🙂
I was worried about Granddad with that cliff a couple of times, though…
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We all have those moments and of course my adult children love telling those stories and reminiscing about those times. We laugh ourselves senseless. I gave myself a lot of time outs during those years 🙂
Glad you were able to keep Granddad off the edge of the cliff. 🙂
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See? Anything can be worth it in hindsight – even getting yelled at and punished.
I should definitely give myself more time outs. A has begged me for a time out at a couple of points.
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It actually is very effective not only for calming one’s own nerves but it models the way for the kids and in some instances I think they wondered if I would come back 🙂
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I think my main problem with it is so far I’ve been afraid to turn my back lest they kill themselves or each other while I’m away.
They can take care of themselves better now, though. Even the three year old tends to yell at me from the other end of the house when she’s got herself stuck on top of a bench, table, or cupboard, rather than attempting anything actually dangerous.
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Good point Bronwyn. I think sometimes I forget what ages I actually implemented this kind of thing. Earlier this evening we were discussing plans for our son’s 30th birthday party. Gulp!
So you may need to have a time out spot where you could still see them? That or heavy drinking ….one or the other 🙂
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No, I think I can just about start with it – it’s just not a habit yet.
I remember reading a parenting book that advised introvert parents to tell their kids their “tank was empty” and they needed to recharge for half an hour and then go have a lie down for half an hour. The author chastised herself for taking six years to cotton on to this trick and I thought no, that was just six years for it to become practical…
But I think at three a few minutes is ok.
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Agree completely! I used to say Mommy is worried she is going to say something that is not appropriate and needs a little time to calm down.
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