Innocents Abroad: A Guide to Japanese Etiquette for Families Travelling with Young Kids
If this was 1897, my panic-buying instinct would be Mark Twain. Because reports of its death have been exaggerated. Here’s what I’ve accumulated so far in the lead-up to our Japanese holiday:
At a certain point I realised I had a choice between continuing to buy more stuff than I could reasonably pack and port (never mind poke a stick at – is that even allowed in Japan?) and taking a step back to ask, what they hey, B?
Here’s the truth: I was nervous about taking my loud, rambunctious children to a place renowned for manners and reserve. Simultaneously nervous, and looking forward to the opportunity to point out how nice things can be when everyone’s behaving themselves quietly. Then I realised my worries were based on cultural stereotypes, and if I’m going to worry (I am) I should at least base my concerns on solid truth, because then I can worry productively instead of just kind of walking around with a vague sense of unease, which is much less satisfying and involves too much shopping.
Elle of Life In Japan With Toddlers came immediately to our aid. She’s an expat lass married to her Japanese sweetheart, raising their three children in Saitama, near Tokyo. Our family put together some questions and she helped set our minds at ease (and gave us hints on when and how to achieve maximum success in the playground). I particularly took comfort from this:
Someone else in Japan might feel very differently than me, actually I can be sure of it. Often I hear people comment on the inappropriate behaviour of an adult toward their child in public.
…which reaffirms that there’s nowhere in the world you can please everyone, all the time, and that you have to learn to be happy with reasonable efforts, even if they sometimes fall short. But in the spirit of directing those efforts:
General Notes on Public Behaviour for Young Children in Japan
1. Can you tell us how kids are expected to respond when people of different ages speak to them?
Young children (under 6) aren’t expected to respond in a particular way to any age group. In my experience, Japanese people are very tolerant of, and kind to, young children of all characters.
2. Is it usual for kids to open conversations with adults?
Yes, I think so. The older generation in particular love when kids chat to them.
3. What volume/activity level would you say is acceptable in public for children under six?
It depends on the place. For instance, children wouldn’t be very loud close to a temple or shrine, and it isn’t acceptable to play with the shrine’s paraphernalia. However, they are able to run around and further away from the religious building it is ok to increase volume level. A lot of the shrines have play areas for kids to enjoy, unrestrained.
4. How do local parents handle their children in public? How do they respond when their children misbehave in public?
It really does vary. You have some who continously monitor and comment to their children on how they should behaving. You have some who leave their children to their own devices. Most parents encourage children to be respectful of those around them.
When a child misbehaves publicly they are generally reprimanded publicly. There are parents who will shout at a child, there are even parents who will smack their child, but largely in my experience parents calmly and respectfully explain why their behaviour is inappropriate.
5. How do people react when a child is having a loud meltdown and what do they actually think? How does this vary by age of the child?
Sometimes people turn a blind eye, sometimes people try to help. I don’t think they give too much thought to it either way and I don’t think it varies with age.
6. Do kids sit or stand on public transport?
They usually sit.
7. Is there anywhere kids don’t usually go (e.g. restaurants, museums, etc)?
The only place I can think of is nightclubs! Other than that, I have seen children everywhere, even at funerals and izakayas (Japanese bars).
Hitting the Playground
1. What times of day are kids usually out and about?
Preschool starts at 3 or 4 years old here, depending on whether they are doing a 2 or 3 year course. So Monday to Friday you only see really young children in the morning, from about 10 to noon, preschoolers from about 14.30 and primary school children (6+) after 15.30.
2. Is it common for families to take toys to the playground? If so, what’s the general policy on sharing?
Yes. Children are taught to share any toys they bring with them. You particularly seeing sharing of toys in the sandpit.
3. How about sharing of public playground equipment? Short turns or long?
Yes. Usually short turns.
One thing I really like about Japanese parenting and preschool techniques is that children are taught to be kind, considerate and helpful to children younger than they are.
Older children, although strangers, usually help younger children to use equipment in a playground and will often play with them. Younger children refer to older children as “Onee-san” (Onay-san) which means older sister and “Oniisa” (o-knee-san) which means older brother. It is perfectly acceptable and almost expected that you call ANY boy or girl by these terms. You will hear this quite a bit in Japan.
Big thanks, Elle, and I very much hope that’s how other kids feel like referring to our children.
If you want a child-friendly view of the Kanto region of Japan, you should absolutely, definitely check out Elle’s blog. She’s friendly and answers questions and knows where to pick strawberries. To get you started:
- Sigh over these gorgeous autumn colours and gasp over these fabulous spring colours.
- Marvel over Elle’s ability to single-handedly fly long-haul on an indirect journey with three children under four and last-minute visa issues using only the power of expertly-packed hand luggage.
- Watch her family pick strawberries.
- Follow their travels around Shizuoka (the Izu Peninsula), Tokyo, and Saitama.
- Or get into some Japanese-style cooking or children’s crafts (with printables) at home.
Related:
Madhu from The Urge To Wander introduces us to Shichi-go-san, a Japanese coming-of-age tradition for young children, which gives an idea of when milestones occur for boys and girls.
If you’re travelling with more mature guests, you can find an entertaining series of posts on Japanese etiquette from an expat mother of teenagers over at Hey From Japan. Or there’s this video-enhanced blog post on Japanese etiquette from Inside Japan.
And on a broader note, The Anxious Traveller has her own take on hitting the sweet spot between your own, usual behaviour and the social conventions of the host culture for those feeling, well, anxious about it.
This post appeared first on Journeys of the Fabulist.
I am pleased to nominate you for the Versatile Blogger Award. The rules are here: http://versatilebloggeraward.wordpress.com/vba-rules/ Congratulations! —Jadi
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Thanks! I’m honoured.
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Great post. So much great advice 🙂 But I think you should at least relax when you will be there 🙂 And anyway, Who cares what other people think ? 🙂 Kids will be kids …..
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Well, I’d like not to give locals an absolutely *horrible* impression of us, but yes, we’ll have to go with the flow a bit. I’m sure it’ll work out fine. Sounds like we’ll be forgiven a few things!
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Wow, sooo much to think about! I feel like I’ve been under a fair amount of worry just trying to learn my own standards of behavior when visiting a different culture, kids are a whole other story! That’s cool that you had another Mom to consult with though. Can you imagine if she were cruel and gave you completely fictional answers just to mess with you? Very “parent trap” in that camping scene sort of way.
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That never crossed my mind. But now it has. So, uh, thank you? I guess?
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Bronwyn I don’t have children, and can’t offer any parental advice. BUT, I have lots of nieces and nephews, so I can offer some uncle-tal (not sure I spelled this rght) advice: take one of the kid’s uncles along on the trip. Get a few sakes down the guy, and let him take the heat. ~ James
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James, I think that’s the best parenting advice I’ve ever heard! Unfortunately none of the Aunts could come (Aunts can be used as well as Uncles?) but we’ll have to make more effort to have them along next time for that reason alone (and pack enough local alcoholic beverage of choice).
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Great post – really useful tips. Can’t wait to read all about your trip.
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Thanks! Looking forward to going.
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Appreciate the shout out Bronwyn.
I didn’t pay particular attention to kids behaviour during my visit, but I can vouch for their love of little children. And their gracious and polite natures will ensure they will not make their displeasure too apparent 🙂 I have no doubt you will all have a grand time.
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Thanks! I’m looking forward to it, and you’ve been very reassuring!
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Great idea to get tips on what to expect with kids and behaviour in a particular country – Adults may need a reminder too once in a while.It reminds me of how anxious my dad must have been when he took us three girls aged 9,7,5 isn off to France to meet our extended family – He drummed manners into us, so much so, that I now do the same with my kids – i.e. ask to be excused, please, thank you, chewing with your mouth closed etc.. It was well worth it as we were pretty wild kids… As for standing on public transport, I think it comes from the notion that kids pay less on transportation, but agree it makes no sense especially for the very young…
Enjoy the trip and the experience – I am sure you will love it.
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Haha! Yes, sounds like he was going through the same thing.
Yes, I think the fare difference is what drives the sitting/standing thing, but at the end of the day I guess I’d rather people focus on what everyone needs rather than how much we’re all paying. But in practice people do use a bit of discretion anyway.
P has reached the age where people don’t automatically spring up for him on Singaporean transport. It was rough when he had a 5cm growth spurt last October because his toddler privileges stopped very suddenly. He usually still gets a seat when he travels with his little sister, though. 🙂
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Happy to see Waldo made the cut! Great tips and thanks for the blog recommendation for when we make it that far east.
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Yes, it’s quite a helpful blog, and she’s a member of KA International Mothers (link in sidebar) so you can easily find other expat parent blogs on Japan from there, too.
I have high hopes for Waldo/Wally!
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You’re traveling again! Hooray! I love how you describe your children as loud and rambunctious human beans. After all your research, they might just surprise you you know. They might tap into the zen ness of Japan and become mild tempered and (gasp) quiet. Have fun as you always do! 🙂
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I like how you think! I am definitely hoping a little rubs off on them.
And thanks, we’ll try to have as much fun as possible!
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That is really interesting and good to hear. I would have been concerned to as I found people were not happy with me as a solo traveller when I made little cultural blunders (like talking on the train lol!). We also found it a bit tough in Taiwan when our kids’ loud behaviour seemed barely tolerated at times, although people behaved no worse than they do here in Australia.
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I’ve heard it’s a cardinal sin to talk on the train! I’m assuming they give you at least a limited pass when you’re trying to keep young children in line – I’ll report back on that one, because there’s no way we’ll make the whole journey without talking to them!
(When I mentioned your comment to P he said, “I don’t like that idea at all!” and I’ve suggested that since he’s just five it would probably be ok as long as he kept the volume down. We’ll see how it goes…)
I’m surprised about your experiences in Taiwan, as we had good reactions in Taipei. Admittedly, we only had one child back then, so less noisy (except at night, extremely noisy then and the guests next door were so good about it).
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Not talking on the train is a tough one ! There goes the old standby “I spy” or maybe we can incorporate “I whisper” into it.
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A (whose colleagues took him on a long-distance train on a previous business trip) says in his experience it’s a bit more relaxed on those services than the shorter trips, even for adults, although he confirms there wasn’t much talking.
I think a little bit of I Spy at low volume will be the lesser evil.
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Loved this list. Have to say that in my experience I found Japan to be totally child friendly, they were welcomed (and spoilt) in many places we went to, and had their picture taken on sooo many occasions! So much for them to see and do. They keep asking when we are going back! 😀
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Glad to hear that (except the bit about the picture taking – one of our children hates that, but we’ll manage). Wow, asking when you’re going back! And what’s been your answer? 😉
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We definitely will one day, our big trip is to Hong Kong later this year though to see friends, and that seemed to placate them! 😀
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🙂 I would be happy if I was them, too. Look forward to hearing about it.
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I have only ever been in the airport in Japan with my children, but I always manage to get lots of entertainment simply out of the toilets with the multiple button features (music/artificial flushing noise/rear water spray/front water spray/dryer/etc).
And when toilets can be that entertaining, I’m sure there is a whole lot more easy observational entertainment to be found as well. Good luck!
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Oh gosh yes, I’ll have to set aside quadruple the usual time for toilet visits!
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lol, a quick glance through Yotsubato should give you an idea what to expect for kids in Japan. :p Yotsuba is not what one would call a well behaved child. Of course, she can’t be compared to the infamous crayon Shin chan, who is notorious for giving children a bad example. Of course, stereotypes can be hilarious, like my story with a German expat in china. Btw, for something cuter, call them Onichan or Oneechan is cute. Ojisan or Ojichan for older men, Obaasan or Obaachan for older women. Of course, these are appropriate for kids, and not for you.
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I’ll make sure only the kids attempt that!
Yotsuba looks cute:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yotsuba%26!
I just looked through the public library catalogue and they have the English translation but in the ADULT lending section? I placed a reservation. Might get some more reading for the train. (I also reserved Thea Stilton and the Cherry Blossom something something in case that doesn’t work out – not sure about these Stilton books but they seem popular, so.)
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I gave you a link for free online viewing of Yotsuba a while back. Fan scanlations are tolerated as long as it’s purely done by fans. They label everything manga under adults these days, either to avoid lawsuits or just the usual stereotypes about the ,medium. Of course, there are other possible reasons, but that isn’t a discussion for here. Fan scans are up to chapter 85, last I checked. IIRC, there wasn’t anything even pg13 about it.
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I was trying to remember if Yotsuba was in that link (hadn’t quite hunted your mail down yet, darn work demanding my attention just because I’m at work 🙂 ). I had a brief look through it at the time but couldn’t remember the name. I think the library version will be a good one to pack in for when we don’t have wifi (easier to read that way than on my phone, too).
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I can’t remember seeing anything “adult” about it either, so a bit confused on that one.
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http://www.batoto.net/read/_/5287/yotsubato_v1_ch1_by_momotato
Here you go. 🙂
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😀 You’re a star.
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Ah, the Waldo Travel Collection. Probably the single most important item we own in terms of the kids’ happiness on long trips 🙂
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I’m so glad you said that. We have just hit the Wally/Waldo phase (why the name difference? I’ve always wondered) and I was hoping it would be a good one for the trains. Sounds like I can afford to be optimistic!
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Oh look, he goes by lots of names:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Where%27s_Wally%3F#International_editions
Can’t really see why Waldo is so much more appealing in North America compared to the rest of the Anglosphere, though.
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Oh, not appealing, obscure. Apparently the character was meant to be an obscure little man in the bustling scenery, and Wally was a common name in the US at the time. So says some random person on the internet:
http://forums.yogscast.com/showthread.php?19761-Why-was-Wally-changed-to-Waldo
…and I, for one, believe them, if only so I can move on to thinking about something else.
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m(_ _)m The only thing I can muster up for now is this Japanese symbol for bowing, as I am overwhelmed (speechless) with gratitude … amazing what you did with this post. Thank you 🙂
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Oh, I just learned the Japanese symbol for bowing! Now I can be polite even by SMS. You really are a resource!
Glad you liked it 🙂
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We just booked our tickets for Tokyo last night! So this post is very helpful and so are the blogs you shared!
Oh I do so hope that Z will share nicely by then (does that ever happen? Hahaha).
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Ooh! Nice! I assume that as everywhere, the younger they are the more they get away with 🙂 . I have a couple more blogs I can share on Japan in general – might write up a post of web resources I used. When are you off?
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We are heading there mid April for just a few days. I have no idea what we plan to do there so a post on resources would be wonderful!
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Ooh, nice. Your timing might be good for cherry blossoms. Forecasts have started and it’s expected a touch later than last year and bang on average last I checked. Kids and cherry blossom picnics!
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I never thought of such details about how children should behave in public in Japan. Now you’ve kept me thinking. I am glad I read that the Japanese parents are not much different like us. I would think it’s more important how parents behave in public. Can’t wait to read about your Japan trip 🙂
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I think Japanese parents actually sound a lot like Singaporean parents in many ways. Perhaps not as similar to Australian parents (the sitting vs standing on public transport is a big one, and I find also there are differences in playground sharing).
But in the end actually there are more similarities than differences no matter where you’re coming from.
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What’s the difference about the sitting? I was puzzled to read this as a concern though.
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In many countries including Australia children are not supposed to occupy seats on public transport (at least while adults are standing).
This applies even to young children, although as I found out one day when breast feeding my newborn on a train with my two year old hemmed in at the window seat bedside me, common sense can sometimes prevail (a young woman asked for my son’s seat and while I was gaping at her and wondering how I would keep a 2yo upright as the train moved and stop him wandering off around the train whilst breast feeding a one month old newborn on my lap a fellow parent gave up her seat instead – but she really did feel she was entitled to my son’s seat).
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Wow! That is opposite here and children are entitled to a seat since they are more vulnerable to standing in a moving train or bus. That parent who gave up seat must have understand this as a mum!
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Yes she was a mum of older kids. I actually think the Singaporean/Japanese way makes more sense but it does throw people off if they don’t know the rules, and of course it’s confusing for our kids to switch back and forth sometimes.
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Sounds like if the kids are misbehaving in public we could perhaps point to some building – any building – and suggest it could be a shrine. Would that work?
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See, this is why we invited you along. We should definitely try that. First we have to impress the importance of shrines upon them.
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I taught Japanese teenagers last summer and they were so polite and well-behaved in comparison to the European kids! But they still knew how to laugh and have fun – kids are kids really 🙂 I’m sure yours will be fine!
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Not sure either myself or the kids’ teachers would be comforted by the first part of that – think we’re more European in the classroom – but we’ve got a couple of years between now and teenagehood to iron out the wrinkles, and ultimately you’re right that they will be kids.
Definitely feeling more optimistic about it.
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Bronwyn it sounds like a pretty accepting, reasonable country to visit with children. Other than the shrines all sounds quite similar. Do you feel more flexed with it all? Can’t wait for the posts!
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Yes feeling much better. Kids really are kids (and parents, parents) everywhere after all.
Good to have a head start on the best timings and rules of the playground, that’s for sure.
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Definitely great to have the basic Do’s and Don’ts. Yes the kid parent combo is universal. I suggest some nice wine…for the parents as needed…or perhaps saki?
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Plum wine. Umeshu. 🙂
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Excellent…have an emergency supply 🙂
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Maybe some little gift-sized bottles to share around…
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haha…I think you need to relax and let your kids be…well…kids!! 😀 I am reminded of the book “Surely you are joking, Mr. Feynman” by the nobel laureate and great physicist Richard Feynman. Its an amazing book, and i highly recommend it….he shares some of his experiences in Japan, in that book! 🙂
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I was just saying that kids will be kids a few posts back, too, but I guess it’s hard to really believe it sometimes. And in my defense, we are pushing them with the amount of time on a train.
Anyway, I’m feeling very reassured and relaxed now.
Thanks for the book recommendation – I’ll have to check it out.
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hehe…i remember my mom actually used to avoid taking me to friends’ places in this country itself!! So, you can imagine how quiet a boy I was!! 😀
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I always find it comforting when sensible adults admit to being terrible children 🙂 . (Although I’m sure you weren’t absolutely terrible – maybe just a bit of a handful?)
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I am not the right person to comment on that! 😀
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